What's your favourite Christmas memory: An Unexpected Journey

I'm here! I'm here! Still here! 

I know I'm fashionably late, even with my showbiz 10 minute call but that's a divas prerogative. 

You're probably either having a late lunch or already preparing your Stockholm syndrome New Years Eve party by now. Shoes, frocks, hair, wig, makeup and mousse or slaving away over a hot stove. It's time for yet another one of those hurry up, get ready, get your sh*t together so we can all sit down and have a lovely night together - hygge! It's that race, sweat running down the face, wild and crazy hair, then stop right before the finish line to adjust everything and gracefully walk across for that finish line photo opportunity. Remember to put it on Insta because if you didn't then it didn't actually happen. Also remember to tidy up in the background before you share those midnight kitchen disco Insta videos because no one wants to see *THAT*.

As you can probably tell, I've been treading water because I sat down here and with a purpose. I wanted to share at story with you but then as I stared at the white, empty page it disappeared but now it's back. So be prepared to get bored to tears. It's about Christmas because really, it's not over until we take down the decorations in the end of January, right?

I was speaking to a friend a few days ago and as I enthused and regaled about how wonderful Christmas is I suddenly and very abruptly asked "what is your favourite Christmas memory then?". I completely blanked. I didn't know. I couldn't remember any specific Christmas that was wonderful. They were all lovely, was my answer. That didn't cut it for me though, so I actually search my memory. I don't have any family photos available and by god, I wasn't going to ask my mother because I'd never get her off the phone again. So as the spoiled little brat I was, I decided to go with the presents. What do I remember getting for Christmas and did I have any specific memories attached to them? Seemed like a good place to start or so I thought.

This spoiled brat - yours truly, the beloved legendary guest star of yore who is a mere kitten at age 29 42 can only remember getting 4 presents which are as follows

Lego Technic excavator

Lego Italian restaurant

Second hand CD - Sabrina - Super Sabrina

....and a white digital clockradio. I don't have a picture of it. It was like a cube only it had a rounding slope from the top to the bottom at the front where it showed what time it was. I tried googling but if you google "white digital clock radio 80s" (or 90s), well let's just say there have been made a lot of clock radios back then.

It's not a lot to remember is it? It's a bit sad but to further this along a bit, because we are running long. Kind of like the Lord of the Rings movies - or that Hobbit thing. Remember that? Tolkien wrote a tiny little novel and this overhyped director and producer decided to milk it and outstay his welcome even further by making a book of 310 pages (first edition) into 3 movies of in total 474 minutes you'll never get back. Ever. But I digress.

From the presents I remember most getting was actually the clock radio and the Sabrina CD which I got the same year. I was a fan. So here goes...

No, wait! Like Peter Jackson you'll have to get back here and watch the next one because ha ha ha this is just the pre-pre book. Hah! Come back and bring those £12 and I do advise you to buy refreshments and the shop because it may run a little long.

Until then, Happy New Year to you. Have a fabulous time and do remember to clear away the dirty dishes in the background before shooting those midnight New Years kitchen disco videos for Insta and if you need any inspiration look no further than our Kylie

I picked this one because of the outfits and effects. She was wearing the most horrendous dress on Jonathon Ross when she performed it there.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Krea

Hello again,

Your favourite special guest star is back one more time to milk the celebrity status, bask in the faded spotlight one more time and perhaps in some alternate universe make a little money so as not to have to buy the smoked salmon at IKEA. 

Of course you must all picture me sitting here in my long night dress, furry stiletto slippers sipping my café latté (Nespresso holiday Il Café blend which I must admit that for a pod coffee is rather lovely) and eating Kransekage - follow the link (for a most shocking and deeply controversial look at how Paul Hollywood thinks a Kransekage should look like. I couldn't find a video. The kransekage rings are circular, yes but not like a tube but rather like if you made a Toblerone into a circle and the icing is never any other colour than white). I'm still shocked, appalled and traumatised by what I saw.

You may possibly be asking yourself why on earth I ended up watching the Great British Bake Off and the answer is very simple. 'Tis the season! 

Christmas and the holidays around this time is many different things and means different things to a lot of people. One of the things I have become very aware of this month watching or at least listening to the Danish equivalent to This Morning - a lovely, slightly fluffy morning entertainment show that passes the time until the news at noon - while I was working, was that to kids it's all about the presents and what they can Instagram or tell their classmates they got for Christmas. 

Our morning show is called Good Morning Denmark and it does everything in one ridiculous and slightly awkward mix. One moment they're showing how to make some sort of ridiculous vegan duck dish and chia puddings, the next moment they have a lengthy segment of how there are Danish families who cannot celebrate Christmas because they can't afford it. They can't give their children the new iPhone to brag about on Instagram or other. I'm paraphrasing and possibly have a slight opinion about what being poor is. Yet next moment the host is standing at a table of new designer table lamps that are battery operated and can be charged via USB. The man was very enthusiastic about the lamps (I ended up buying one online and have to return it again as the red was rather like a light brown poop with a tint of blood in the stool. I'm sorry, I don't suffer in silence and I'm more traumatised than you, believe me. It's a hideous colour) and he said that the price tags were so everyone could afford it. Only £90-130 depending on the model. It was most entertaining to see the host who then went straight back to the hideous chia pudding making. I'm getting sidetracked.

It got me thinking about what the holidays mean to me. I'm not religious and I don't attend church unless it's a wedding or a funeral and even then I fear bursting into flame or the gargoyles turning me away at the door with flaming swords. To me Christmas is in my heart. It's there all year long. It's festive, tinsel, happy music, being nice to one another, the festive lights and perhaps also the good food. Like the cake for breakfast. Kransekage works very well it has to be said. It's also all about the holiday movies and those obnoxious TV shows where they make you feel bad about not being creative, have the energy or time to do all those things that are oh so cheap, time saving and easy to do. I watch a lot of that. It's like a drug and with the flick of a switch on December 27 it's all gone. Back I'm left like old, cold and dry turkey. Sad and pathetic just shaking until the lights come up again next year. New Years is usually festive too but that's just one or two days then BOOM! Dark, cold, sad and never-ending January trudges on.

That took a turn, sorry!

This year I caught up on all the old series of Great British Bake Off, watched some Danish baking show (Mette Blomsterberg - she is out baking goddess around here) and as well as watching just about every sappy MarVista produced holiday movie ever made, I also discovered something called Kirstie's Handmade Christmas.

Kirstie's Handmade Christmas takes the cake, as it were, when it comes to creative 'suggestions' of how to make your Christmas perfect. It's AMAZING! It's the perfect programme to watch, watching store bought Kransekage and drinking Nespresso based café lattes. You are both inspired and think 

• Oh! that takes only minutes! 
• Oh, that's not expensive and I could do that while um watching this! 
• Why didn't I think of that?!? 
• I can actually do this! 
• That looks like fun!

the list is endless. There is after all many, many episodes and that Kirstie Allsopp does really cram in a lot and it really packs a punch.

Turns out you can get inspired into being creative or in Danish 'kreativ' and I've 

• bought the baking ingredients - turns out that if you don't really have any that can be quite the investment, especially if you never get around to using them.
• bought some hobby supplies - turns out that costs an arm and a leg and if it just ends up on top of the bedroom cupboard in a box that's a bit of a waste.
• bought pine cones and silver spray paint. Don't ask. 
• bought two poinsettias and a tiny prickly 'pine tree' - yeah, it'll die. The poor things are doomed.

It's expensive but if I ever want to make those sugary raspberry jello vinegum cubes then I'm all set! 

Other than that I've been working from home. Since September 21 and it looks as if I'm not going back to the office until at the earliest February 28. I'm also genuinely enjoying Christmas and as the City has finally cut down some trees I am now looking out at the most incredibly beautiful uninterrupted blue sky. Life is good.

Sending lots of love, happy holidays and a merry Christmas 

Love, 

'Petra - your favourite guest star of yore.