Saturday, January 23, 2010

Not so live blogging: Golden Globes 2010

The all too fabulous Dinah did a great live blogging post on the Golden Globes this year. So, you might say it's already been covered - and fabulously so - and why bother. The reason why I've decided to do it as well, is that I'm thinking I might have a different take on the show. Plus I love, love, love award shows. If all the award shows were transmitted live on Danish tv, I'd be up at all hours of the night watching them all. Champagne in hand of course, and the devil may care attitude towards perhaps being positively knackered at work the next morning. Of course they are not, so it's just one day off I must plan in advance. For the Oscars.

This, however is about the Golden Globes. Let the games begin.

  1. Show opens, and Ricky Gervais comes out all sweaty looking. They should have put ventilation in that suit of his. Is he nervous or constipated?
  2. The stage is all salmon coloured with a bit of silver glitter. It looks like something the Golden Girls would have picked out.
  3. Cosmetic surgery jokes, that's very original isn't it? No?
  4. Morgan Freeman looks bored at penis jokes. Either they really weren't funny, or he's forgotten his hearing aid. He's gotten really old though, hasn't he. Wow.
  5. The camera work is awful, oh there was Sandra Bullock! She is pretty.
  6. Oh, Ricky Gervais drinks beer? On screen? Is that allowed in the US?
  7. Nicole Kidman is missing a nipple, and George Clooney looks so good. Love him.
  8. Massive emerald ear rings on Julianne Moore. Love her, she's so pretty.
  9. Note to all heavy women out there: If you are heavy, you shouldn't wear a coursage dress. You'll look whale'ish
  10. Awww. Mo'Nique makes me cry.
  11. Matthew Fox has gotten a lot less foxy. Such a bad wig on him.
  12. Toni Collette won wearing a very sparkly dress. She's come a long way since Muriel's Wedding
  13. Uh, Lauren Graham in pink. We love her!
  14. Is Lost still on? Wow.
  15. Neil Patrick Harris looks cute.
  16. Fergie looks more alien that ever, and Josh Duhamel not as sexy as he used to. She must have sucked all the life force and beauty out of him. Greedy bitch.
  17. The man accepting the Golden Globe for UP was so happy. Loved that.
  18. Kate Hudson annoys me. She's presenting the movie Nine. Her dress is nice, but shouldn't have been white. It IS a wedding dress. She's off to Vegas after the show.
  19. Ricky Gervais is back. Go away.
  20. Willian H. Macy looks so old. His wife Felicity Huffman looks like she could be his daughter. She looks pretty.
  21. Tom Hanks looks fat and ugly. What happened there? I think it might have been The Polar Express?
  22. Unless Michael C. Hall is sick, he should take off that hat. It's not appropriate.
  23. January Jones...What kind of name is that?
  24. We like The Good Wife. She's pretty. Not sure I like the dress though.
  25. Calista Flockhart still weighs 10 pounds. Someone should force feed her lard.
  26. Harrison Ford sounds so bored. Either that, or he's on whatever Anna Nicole was on.
  27. Cher looks fairly well for her age. Cosmetic surgery much?
  28. It's been a while since we've seen Jake Gyllenhall hasn't it?
  29. I don't like Sir Paul McCartney. I really don't.
  30. I think it's confirmed. Amy Adams is preggo.
  31. Glittery loofa alarm! Drew Barrymore, Liberace called. He want's his loofas back.
  32. Tom Hanks joke tanked. That was funny, not his joke, the joke tanking.
  33. Colin Farrell still looks cute.
  34. Julia Robers and her massive lips - hey Joools, Agelina called she wants her lips back! looks fairly bland with her blonde hair.
  35. Meryl Streep won for Julie & Julia. I want to watch that. I actually planned to watch it in LA but I couldn't make it because I had planned to meet with Dullface at a specific time.
  36. Meryl is one classy lady, but shut up about the politics and charity thing.
  37. Sandra Bullock looked like she was crying during that speech. I don't think it was because she lost though.
  38. Another classy lady is Helen Mirren. She's so pretty.
  39. When introducing Precious they didn't mention Mariah Carey. That was nice.
  40. What was The Edge from U2 doing at the Golden Globes?
  41. Morgan Freeman doesn't care about any of it. He's just sitting there looking bored. Drinking.
  42. I've already commented on Drew Barrymores dress but what was she thinking. I like her hair though.
  43. Cameron Diaz is so overrated.
  44. Just go away Ricky Gervais
  45. Rachel from Friends and that bloke from 300 are beautiful. Gerald Butler is so hot.
  46. What happened to Thomas Jane? He used to be so hot!
  47. Maggie Gyllenhall sounds absurd. Like a moron really. Her message about saving Haiti was more relevant.
  48. I heard that Brad Pitt and Agelina Jolie weren't attending because they weren't nominated.
  49. Oh, oh Miss Sophia Loren. All bow down and kiss her shoes. She's the movie star goddess. I love that they all look so excited about her being there. That's the way it should be bitches!
  50. There's still 50 minutes left and I'm slowly losing interest now. The show Mad Men just won. Hoooray for them!
  51. Taylor Lautnier or something is so handsome, but I couldn't possibly say that because he's not old enough. So ew ew ew.
  52. Thomas Jane really didn't age well. Such a shame.
  53. Chloe Serviette, more like. Lovely collection of napkins you are wearing. She's annoying.
  54. Ricky Gervais has another sip of his beer.
  55. Halle Berry is coming out of her dress. It's fairly vulgar. Woody Harrelson looks cute. Who would have thought.
  56. Why do people find Leonardo DiCaprio attractive? His hair style is ugly.
  57. Marty Scorsese is very charismastic. Was he in the movie UP?
  58. Robert Downey Jr. is chewing gum during Martys speech. Looked funny.
  59. Jodie Foster looks quite good. I wonder how much work she's had done.
  60. Mel Gibson looks quite good. I can almost pretend to forget about his scandalous year last year.
  61. Funny thing, James Cameron won for Avatar. I've heard that it doesn't have a lot of story in it. He has to pee.
  62. Why are the tables so close together. It's very unpractical.
  63. I suppose I have to watch Glee at some point. There is a Danish version, I think. It looked like the same kind of thing, but the Danish one sucked.
  64. Bradley Cooper is HOT! I would marry him.
  65. I still can't believe The Hangover won. It was a great movie, but it wasn't THAT good. I'd have thought it would have been one of the Meryl Streep movies. I heard that Nine wasn't that good. I want to watch Nine though.
  66. Mickey Rourke is butt ugly! I can't believe it, he looks almost worse than at the Oscars last year. I will always remember 9½ weeks.
  67. Arnold Schwarzenegger, botox much?
  68. Emily Blunt is so pretty.
  69. Yay! Sandra Bullock! I love her speech, it was so lovely.
  70. I watched Sherlock Holmes last night. I thought I'd be crushing on Robert Downey Jr. but I was much surprised to be in love with Jude Law.
  71. I wonder if Guy Richie was there, but I'm thanking the lord that Madge isn't there.
  72. Kate Winslet looks great.
  73. I love that we just saw Sophia Loren eating. It sends such a strong message to all the girls out there, and Calista Flockhart.
  74. Julia Roberts is giving away the final award of the evening. She's really annoying, and the dress is not pretty. She's also doing the botox thing.
  75. Avatar won. It surprises me a little. Well, it didn't because I knew it already but in general it's a surprise to me. Mostly because although I've heard it's a great movie, I've also heard that the story is weak. Personally I hope it's not the case, because if they give a movie the best movie award because of special effects, that's when it's really going down the drain.
  76. Did James Cameron get to pee? I can't help but wonder.
  77. Oh he did get to pee.
  78. His hair is awful.
  79. Ricky Gervais says goodnight
  80. Now I feel a little abandoned. I'm no longer surrounded by big Hollywood stars.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Book Update 2: Straight I think not

I've finished four books now. In under one month. So excited I am. It'll end up being fairly expensive though, as I've almost run out of books to read and will have to call upon Amazon UK to deliver a new pile of quality entertainment. With further ado, I give you the two most recent books I've read.

I was browsing through my Amazon UK recommendations and there it was. I'd previously bought a Kylie calendar and other Kylie stuff from them so they thought this little item would be right up my alley. The cover was quite easy on the eyes, and the blurb made it sound like an easy breezy fluffy story. Naturally I was all for it.

The books is divided into chapters by the names of selected Kylie tracks that fit with the overall theme of the chapter. This is quite fun actually. I was a little disappointed that one of the main character, Jonathan Parish's, favorite tracks

wasn't featured as a chapter.

Anyway. You've probably guessed it, Jonathan is an American teenager and an out and proud gay. He's obsessed with Kylie and one day he gets an offer he can't refuse. Being flown to London to see Kylies Showgirl Tour in exchange for going back into the closet to play the straight boyfriend of a girlfriend of his. The rest, you can read about yourself. It's quite the delightful and easy read.

You may, or may not remember that I've also read his other books Leave Myself Behind and Brothers Bishop. I enjoyed Brothers Bishop immensely, but as far as I recall I wasn't that into Leave Myself Behind. So, it was interesting to see how I felt about The Distance Between Us, the third book by Bart Yates.

It's about a 71 year old ex concert pianist named Hester Parker. My first thought was, oh this is going to be a very long book. Then a young man is introduced. Pale, skinny and unruly ginger hair. Oh crap, could it get any worse? It was all uphill from there, and to be honest it went up and up and up and up.

Turns out that Hester Parker and I have a lot in common. We are both slightly bitter and sarcastic, and in all honesty a bit vindictive. You see, Hester Parker has been alienated from her family and her husband of many, many years who has had an affair with the same woman for 15 years, has left her. He wants the house in the divorce, and the woman he has been cheating on Hester with, was a woman she actually liked.

The book has so much humour. Hilarious at times, and is also sad. I like sad books. You don't want to miss this one out.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Nic, Renée and Joooles

I promised the fabulous Princess of Palais de Steff to do a little bit of chatting about Nicole Kidman after I named Australia the best movie I saw last year. It seemed almost unforgivable to our fabulous Princess. Here's what she had to say about it

Dear CyberPete,

You Little Sycophant!

How very dare you award
Ms Kidman/Cruise/Urban for another woeful performance in that "Thing" Called Australia!.....
I refused to go and see it on the Grounds of the appalling trailers that assaulted my ears(the Dread full accent) and eyes (her waxen expressionless face)!

Oh , thats right, I remember Now, Mr Huge Jackman Did steal her thunder!

Love Princess XXX

Right, so the truth is, up until quite recently I've always kind of hated Nicole Kidman - and her acting. Even after she had teamed up with one of my favorite actors of all time Sandra Bullock (LOVE her). Of course, then I'd only watched the following movies, starring her, that left a lot to be desired

  • Days of Thunder (a Tom Cruise movie - bleugh! We hate him!)
  • Billy Bathgate
  • Far And Away (another Tom Cruise thing - ewww!)
  • Malice (we like Bill Pullman, and this was one I didn't hate so much)
  • To Die For (terrible!)
  • Batman Forever (yikes!)
  • The Peacemaker (I dubbed it the Pacemaker, but I am oh so in love with George)
  • Practical Magic (I love Sandra Bullock so it wasn't that terrible)
  • Eyes Wide Shut (another Tom Cruise thing - double ewww! with bleugh! on top)
  • Moulin Rouge! (Kylie was in it, and Baz directed it)

This is about the time where I started liking her. She'd ditched Tom, and Moulin Rouge! was a turning point in her career. The one she should have won her Oscar for. Which leads me to where I was going with this post. The dire Oscar mixup! It was all fumbles really.

Now, I LOVE the Academy Awards. The glamour, the dresses, the glitz, the stars, the shoes, the diamonds, the men, the movies and Oscar himself of course. I watch it LIVE every year, except the one before last, where I had to work the day after. So I had to skip it. It was brutal, I was devastated, and very pissed at my work. Never forgetting that!

Anyway, they mixed up the Oscars of these 3 ladies.

Nicole Kidman


You see, Nicole Kidman was nominated for an Oscar twice.

  • Best actress in a leading role - Moulin Rouge! - 2002
  • Best actress in a leading role - The Hours - 2003

Incidently she won for her role in The Hours. A movie in which she only had 30 minutes on screen which is usually only enough to get a nomination as a supporting actress. So, there were two reasons why she was able to take home the Oscar that year. First, because her original Oscar win for Moulin Rouge! was stolen by Halle Berry (we all remember that atrocious Oscar speech don't we?) for Monster's Ball, and secondly because she made herself 'ugly' by having that fake nose.

That being said, she always looks gorgeous on the red carpet (that is, after she got rid of Tom Cruise).

Renée Zellweger


You see, the plot thickens. Because the year where Halle Berry robbed Nicole Kidman of her Oscar, was also the year Renée Zellweger was first nominated for an Oscar. She was up for Bridget Jones's Diary.
  • Best actress in a leading role - Bridget Jones's Diary - 2002
  • Best actress in a leading role - Chicago - 2003
  • Best actress in a supporting role - Cold Mountain - 2004

Well, I wouldn't say that her performance in Bridget Jones's Diary deserved an Oscar, but she definately did for Chicago. That was brilliant. The thing is though, that was the year Nicole Kidman was given her token Oscar, so Renée Zellweger couldn't get hers. They were up against Julianne Moore (Far From Heaven), Diane Lane (Unfaithful) and Salma Hayek (Frida). A very tough year. Yet, the Oscar should have gone to either Renée or Julianne Moore and since musicals are favoured due to the extra efforts of actually singing and dancing too, it would have gone to Renée Zellweger. Had it not been for the mixup the year before.

Then of course, Renée Zellweger teamed up with Nicole Kidman in Cold Mountain and delivered a wonderful performance subsequently winning her a token Oscar for best actress in a supporting role. You'd think it was all over then. Everyone's happy, as they all got their Oscar in the end - and it would be easier for Renée to get another Oscar as she didn't win leading actress.

Julia Roberts


And then there was Julia Roberts. I mean really, when did she ever deserve to win anything.
  • Best actress in a supporting role - Steel Magnolias - 1990
  • Best actress in a leading role - Pretty Woman - 1991
  • Best actress in a leading role - Erin Brockovich - 2001

I'll give you Steel Magnolias. That was a great performance, plus she dies. The nomination for Pretty Woman was weak, and Erin Brockovich. Well, that might as well have been a Lifetime Achievement Award "because you'll never win an Oscar any other way, dearie".

Julia Roberts has been around for a gazillion years I suppose, and her horse teeth and massive hair has helped sell a LOT of movie tickets, and I suppose that should be rewarded, but they could - and have done that at the Blockbuster Awards. Yet, it's not really the same, winning a Blockbuster Award as it absolutely isn't an Oscar.

The most interesting thing about Julia Roberts career (except her sometimes fabulous outfits) is the fact that she didn't win The Razzie worst supporting actress for Hook in 1992. Sean Young stole that from her.


Thursday, January 07, 2010

I don't know what it is - Part II

Miss K and I had a lovely brunch. She was only slightly miffed that I was late. Turns out, she was late herself, so she only waited 5 minutes. We ended up going shopping after brunch, and then off to Christopher Kanes studio to look at some creations she had on hold. They didn't work for the event she had in mind, but we ended up taking a bunch of them back to her place anyway. Just to be on the safe side.

The topic of Aiden showing up with the skank came up. I said he was a friend of ours, and that I was feeling a little under the weather. Obviously Miss K couldn't believe I'd associate myself with a two bit Asda model like that, but after I told her that Aiden was doing photos for this post modern exhibition on supermarket trash, she let up. So I didn't tell her. I know, I should have as we are dear friends. Still, she had a whole to do to get to later so I didn't want to ruin her day. I figured I'd just go home, get the locks changed and crack open a bottle of bubbly to toast my new singleness. At least I can whore around now. Anyone interested in a fit, 42 year old ex underwear model?

Maybe I should do porn. I could move to the US and do porn. Afterall I know how to look good naked, so how hard (ahem) could it be. Although, I've got a nice and cushy life here and with my investments I could probably live comfortable for the rest of my life without lifting a finger. Oh, yes I am not as stupid as I look. I've made quite a bit of money like that. Thanks to Cal, my bank person. Wait, I must get a lawyer. Shit! Aiden probably already has one.

So instead of calling a lawyer, I show up at the most prestigious law firm in town. They know me, as I did some work for them after I just got my law degree. There is this woman you see, Jen Davis who is a total shark. I want her.

We have coffee for 10 minutes in her office, and I explain the situation, and she takes on my case on the spot. Of course I'm thrilled and we make arrangements to meet again with all the papers and such. It's going to get messy, I'm sure. Aiden never took anything laying down (ahem, at least not with me). By now I'm in complete damage control mode, and so I get all these things done. Even sending out my CV just for the hell of it.

When I get home, Aidens there looking for a camera. I meet him in the walk in closet where the skank is trying on one of my shirts. I'm like, oh no you didn't just do that! Aiden tells me to let it go, besides I'm wearing his shoes and jacket. Oh, right. It's different though, because it's not Aiden wearing my shirt, it's his skanky fuckbuddy. It's.. Gross. (I later end up ritually burning the shirt in Aidens office because like EW!) I strip down to my underwear and change into nothing but tracksuit bottoms. Just to see if I've still got it. They are both checking me out. It feels good, or actually, ew! skanky pants is checking me out. Just up and die already. Still, I try to come off as civil when I ask him for his name. He blinks, like he doesn't understand the question. Um, er, Scott? he says. Like it's a question. I raise an eyebrow and ask him if he's sure. Aiden glares at me. Well, it sounded like he wasn't sure, I say. Scott looks at me confused, and I smile at him in my most condescending way. Bless him.

I still love Aiden though. Sure, I'm bitter and pissed and confused. Why would he trade me in for that skanky Asda model. He could have almost anyone and he picks some two bit trash. It's so beneath him. Not to mention very insulting for me. Hey, skanky pants could you give us a minute alone please, I hear myself say. Neither Aiden, nor skanky pants seem impressed by this. I suspect it's for different reasons entirely. When he passes me by the door I trip him. Granted, that wasn't a stellar move, but it worked in Showgirls. Aiden doesn't see this, and apparently skanky thinks he just tripped over the threshold. Hah.

First Aiden starts mumbling something, but I interrupt him and tell him that I've got a lawyer. He looks hurt. Why would he look hurt, he put this in motion and where's his wedding ring? I tell him that it's the natural thing to do when someone decides to end a marriage. So he just looks at me, gets up and grabs his camera. Without saying another word. What's that about. I follow him, and I keep talking all the way to the elevator. Maybe that's why he is leaving. I talk too much? That skanky Scott guy doesn't seem to be able to put together a complete sentence.

I do talk a lot, and I tend to talk about myself a lot. Of course, since I either sit at home, or end up going out to glitzy affairs or famous brunches it's only natural. Isn't it. Suddenly I'm very aware of how much I talk. Especially about myself. Then I get to thinking that all my friends are the same way. Although I'm sort of this model has-been, I still get interviewed and end up on VH-1 and those hideous "wealthiest models in the world" shows. You know, the ones with that man voice over thing that always sounds sooooo obnoxious and yet offended that P. Diddy has a 500 ft. yacht or something. I'm not offended by that, I just wish I did. I'm not that rich, sadly.

Then my mind goes to fashion. Maybe I should get into designing. I love fashion, and I have the connections. You'd think that the only thing I need is the talent, but I've actually got some old sketches somewhere and while I may not be perfect at sewing I am fairly good. My mother called me domestic, because I repaired and altered my clothes. At the very least I might be able to squeeze myself onto the creative team behind Miss Ks next lingerie collection. What are friends for, right?

I go to the bar and mix a batch of gin martinis and sit down. Alicia hasn't been here today. There's still glass and other crap on the floor from the other night. Why didn't she come in today? Maybe Aiden sacked her. I wouldn't be surprised if he did. He always thought that since I didn't work, I might as well do a bit of housework. Yeah, right. Like I'm going to clean up your shit mate. That was pretty much my response to that, when he suggested it oh so many years ago. So we interviewed a couple, and it came down to two. Alicia and Randy, but there was simply way too many double entendres and Aiden wasn't comfortable hiring a man. No matter how much, he so wasn't my type. Bless her, Alicia won out and while she's a very poor maid she was the least inoffensive one we could find.

My phone rings, and it's my assistant Cat. I realise I make a lot of obnoxious nicknames, but Cathrine actually prefers Cat. Plus she's a total minx, there is no way anyone could resist calling her Cat. Hey Cat darrrrrling, how are you doing today my love? I say. She giggles and I could almost hear her batting her eyelashes as she responds. Nate, my dear! I'm fabulous, and I was just making sure you guys remember attending the new museum exhibition at the V&A tomorrow. She senses something's wrong from the silence. My brain goes into overdrive as I think. Cat thoughtfully reminds me of the 1950s fashion photography exhibit. Oh..That.. Well, I'm not really up for it, I say. I tell her how Aiden and I have broken up, and that he's probably bringing his trashy boytoy with him. Cat doesn't care. She's paid to make me feel better, and force me to attend even the most tacky of events (approved by my manager, because everyone has a manager right?)

Images of me, standing alone near a WW2 canon at the Imperial War Museum with a plastic cup of white wine out of a cardboard box, waiting for an ancient man in a ragged uniform to finish putting people to sleep with his tiresome and very elaborate speech. It almost made you wish the Nazis had killed him, that or they would come and kill you (or better, him) now. The evening was a complete waste. Nobody of interest showed up, and for years to come I was invited to everything that had the faintest bit to do with history and war. I tell you, I nearly fell over reading my first invitation after that. It started with "Dear fellow history buff". At first I thought it was a friend of mine playing a joke on me, but I called and they meant it. The lady on the other end of the line seemed a little insulted when I couldn't stop my, you are shitting me right?. Bless her though.

Cat asks if I'm still there. Oh, yes I'm still here, I say. So you are attending, she asks. I suppose I should get out there. So, she says she'll make sure to get me on the VIP list. We say our goodbyes, and I go fetch a bottle of Bollinger and settle on the chaise.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Book update 1: LIC GAS

I can't believe I've already finished two books. That's just crazy. Still, I had to up my game after last years failed attempt. This year must be better, and now I only have 10 books to go. Piece of cake. So here goes.

Like most of the books I read, this too is gay themed. The narrator is like totally this 17 year old guy who like has this best friend named Al. They totally like hang out all the time and then Al is like all political and Jaz (the narrator) is like totally like LIC GAS. Or Like I Could Give A Shit.

Actually it's a lot better than what I wrote, because the writing really suits the book as the narrator is this 17 year old guy who is just tries to live his life. Obviously he thinks he and his best mate Alice (Al) are the shit and everyones pretty much lame. Which is kool.

I liked it, it was very engaging and I never did tire of the many totallys, likes and such because the commentary by Jaz was spot on. I totally narrated my life like that when I was 17. Hell I'm still like totally doing it now.

Apparently there are a lot of these kinds of books with samples of sticky notes, post-its and notes written on more disturbing samples of paper, plastic, walls etc. I picked this up at the sales bin at HMV in London last year. It was cheap, and the title was excellent.

I, however, had no idea JUST how disturbed people are though. When I was staying at a folk high school here in Denmark, sharing a bathroom with two other guys (one Dutch and one Bulgarian) and the common kitchen with about 25 people of all nations (and hygiene levels), I thought I'd seen it all. Heating milk in the electric kettle without cleaning it, not doing dishes for a week. Not removing hair from the plughole in the shower. That sort of thing. We left notes, had "hall meetings" and all that. Still, the amount of disturbing and downright terrifying notes in this book left me both in stitches and also almost sleepless at night.

Thankfully I didn't encounter (or had to write) notes like these gems

"This phone has been up my arse"

"Why is my bed damp?"

"I think I should point out to whoever has been eating the stuff in the fridge with the foil over it, it's actually raw sausage meat that I was going to use as stuffing. It hasn't been cooked yet so will probably make you very ill. Guess you have learned your lesson by eating other peoples stuff!"

"Whoever eats my cheese... I licke it. Ha ha ha" noted underneath "So do I"

"Whoever has left their crusty black nickers (with silver streaks) on the bathroom floor - kindly remove them"

People are sick.

Sunday, January 03, 2010

I don't know what it is - Part I

Ok, so I'm sitting here on a chaise in our living room with a glass of Champagne. No, scratch that, I may as well be honest, that was at 9pm last night. By now it's 7am and now it's an almost empty bottle of gin. Isn't it strange how suddenly your life just changes?

The plan was for Aiden (that's my husband) and I to attend the opening of the Tous store here in London. I had put on my new silver suit (ok, maybe it does sound a bit naff but it reminds me of my modelling days) from Dolce & Gabbana and I was waiting for him to come home from work so we could go. Then of course Aiden's late. He finally comes home, it was about 8pm by then, and sits me down and says he wants a divorce. I'm outraged - obviously! - and start yelling and crying and making a complete fool of myself. Of course I knew about his affair with that Asda model Scott but I assumed it would die out. Like it did with Miles, Sambad, Thomas and who can remember the rest. It didn't mean anything, it was just sex. Right?

So I just kind of alternated between throwing stuff at him, yelling, and fumbling my way towards the Champagne cooler. Aiden ducked and covered with the best of them, and said he was moving out. For the time being, he said. Like he's ever getting in here again, hah! Good one. His affairs must have started about the time we got married, about 10 years ago and we've been together 15 years. Today is our anniversary, funny that.

I really love Aiden, and I ignored the cheating because I figured that he always ended up back with me. He didn't love those two bit skanks who, quite frankly, only participated because they thought it would boost their modelling career. This is when you think, hah, who are you to talk. Aiden's a 51 year old world renowned fashion photographer and you are a 39 year old (OK, honesty is the best policy I suppose, 42) ex underwear model and you do the math. Well, it does look bad, but really it isn't. You just think all models are skanks who screw whatever to get on the cover of Elle, Vogue or whatever is the premier fashion magazine at the time. You'd be quite right, been there and done that. Yet, I never whored around after I met Aiden and I never used him to get ahead (ahem!). I didn't.

The thing is, everyone thinks models are whoring around and using everyone to get ahead. They will be quite right, but as I mentioned before, I stopped doing that when I met Aiden. I loved him. Well, I love him. I'm bitter, surly, angry, hateful and I still love him.

I look down at my platinum wedding ring with diamonds all around the band. Apparently I've taken it off earlier and been holding it in my hand. Suddenly, I throw the ring at the 62 inch flatscreen TV. As I watch it fly towards the TV, I regret throwing it and get up to go pick it up. The room is now spinning, like that time some cow spiked my drink at a Jean Paul Gaultier after party at Paris fashion week in 1997. I fall to my knees and crawl to my destination. It looks like there are two rings. How could there be two, it's like friggin Alice in Wonderland. Will the wrong one make me small? How could I feel smaller than I feel now, lying on the living room floor in a naff silver suit from Dolce Gabbana staring at two rings - and is that dust behind the sofa over there, or is the Mad Hatter coming to get me? Must mention it to Alice, no Alicia. Our cleaning lady is Alicia, isn't it?

The phone wakes me up three hours later. Apparently Miss K wants to know why only Aiden and 'some guy' showed up last night at Tous. Oh, and do you want to do brunch? Um, OK...? When, what time is it now? It's 10am. Well Ok then, in an hour at the usual place. Right. Miss K is rarely in town these days, and I fear that I need the company. I put on the wedding ring and wonder for a second if I'll get any smaller. No, and the other ring is gone. Must call Alicia about the dust then.

I take a quick shower, and think of how I do love my bathroom. It's positively divine. The shower and bath tub are the best parts though, but then I picked those out.

You still can't get over the whole, he's an ex model who didn't whore around on his partner, am I right? I know, even I'm baffled. It just never occurred to me because I loved him. Also you are thinking money, Nathaniel (that's my name, but my friends call me Nate) probably didn't have any and his famous photographer boyfriend turned husband probably had loads. You are wrong, I thought we were fairly equal in that sense. Aiden had a great career etc., and I was just an underwear model.

I could have been like that, had I done all that stuff (read. drugs, parties, vacations) my colleages did. When they were all partying in Acapulco, I was off working. Photoshoots, fashion runways, commercials etc. My parents were right about money, put it away and once you're done modelling you can go to law school or something. Of course, I ended up retiring earlier because of Aiden fairly rich. Aiden wanted me to stop working so he'd be the only one seeing me in my underwear, and I did. Partly because I loved Aiden, and partly because I thought I'd be able to do something else. Yet, in those last 15 years I never got around to finding out what that something would be.

On some level I probably thought the only thing I was good at was modelling. That's not completely true, because I did pass all the exams to become a lawyer. At some point I got sick and tired of only being this accessory only to be worn out at parties. I suddenly had deep sympathy for my old Hermés ascot that I hadn't worn in ages. Eventually I took it to a nice little vintage fashion shop down the corner, and bought a pair of 1972 Manolo Blahnik shoes. I know, how gay is that. And yet, I'm a collector. By now I must have over 300 pairs of Manolo Blahniks. They don't get worn, but they get adored at any chance I get. Aiden found that extremely funny, but he has this weird pen fetish, so he's one to talk. It's not like I go about mocking his Mont Blanc collection.

Here I am, telling you about Aidens Mont Blanc collection and my ridiculously large Manolo collection but I never told you how we met. Sorry. This is where everyone says, it's really kind of funny, or, it's really kind of romantic the way we met. With kind of, being the emphasis. Because it really isn't, is it, unless of course you were there perhaps but then again. Maybe not.

It was love at first sight, on my part anyway. We met at a gallery opening in New York that had an exhibit on fashion photography. He had taken a few of the photos and everyone was gushing over him.

Sorry, I just have to put on my black Jean Paul Gaultier trousers and that striped Paul Smith shirt, and grab some orange juice before I pass out.

Well, I caught his eye while I was looking at this black and white four foot blow up of a halfnaked man in the shower. It wasn't his work, and he came over. I pretended to be a student of fashion photography, and he bought it. I gushed over the photo, knowing full well he hadn't taken it, and he was pointing out all the flaws. He ended up giving me a tour of the exhibit and asked me on a date. At the time I was a total workaholic and had a shoot the next morning at 5.30am so I declined. He insisted and we made arrangements the night before I was set to fly back to London. I was immediately attracted to him, although I'd heard he had a thing for these Italian dancer types named Gianluca and Paulo. They usually didn't last long, and I thought maybe I would last, at least a bit longer. I was right about that, turns out, but not as I'd hoped forever.

In the end I ended up back in New York and went on 2 more dates with Aiden. He still had no idea, I was a model, and I didn't really want him to know. The photography student thing was working so well. Turns out, I had been booked to do an underwear shoot for Calvin Klein, and there had been a change of photographer. Who walked into that shoot, but Aiden Donovan. I nearly died. He pretended not to notice but after the shoot he used this cheesy line on me and asked me out again, and that's it. We dated for a while and ended up moving in together. Which is easy to do, when he was based in New York, and I had a studio flat in a scummy part of London and shared a flat with 10 other models in Paris and Milano.

Now I'm off to meet Miss K for brunch, and I'm late. She's usually 10 minutes late, but if the Tube doesn't have delays I'll be 20 minutes late. I'll never hear the end of it. Last thing before leaving is the key, phone, wallet and bags under eyes check. God, I look old. Wait, shoes! Must wear shoes. Black Prada loafers, yes. Wait, they are Aiden's, oh who gives a shit. He might though, hah! I put on his black Boss jacket and leave.

Friday, January 01, 2010

Step back in time

Wow, is it really 2010? It doesn't feel space agey yet though. No flying cars outside my windows there doesn't seem to be any of those dreadful video intercom systems in my flat yet. Just me, slightly hung over, mascara running down my cheeks and the blue nail varnish is flakey. Wait, heavy eye makeup and blue nail varnish? That's a bit spacey isn't it. Anyway, we are about to jump into the time capsule and go back to a much more familiar, and pretty damn fabulous time for me. 2009 here we come!

Whooooooosh! (yes, it's still not space agey so I have to do my own sound effects)

Let's start with the failed book challenge.

I had challenged myself to read 12 books in 2009 and to be honest I thought it would have been a disaster because frankly I don't think I've read that many books. In the end I was 3 books short of meeting the challenge which is amazing all things considered. These were the books I read this year.

I bought this book in Chicago at Borders, a bookshop near this very famous department store that Oprah always mentions on her show. I could get lost in a phone booth so I wouldn't know where exactly it was. There was another Borders bookshop on Michigan Ave. I went there too, but didn't buy anything for myself in there.

To be honest I bought the book because of the title. How could you not? Also it was on the bestseller rack and I'd heard the name Chelsea Handler on TV a couple of times. Still, I had no expectations at all going into this. I read it in one sitting and had fabulous roomservice delivered in order to finish it in time to go shopping again the next day. It was, in my opinion, funny and maybe slightly over the top but it also had heart. Even if some of the stories did portray her family and ex boyfriends as a fairly unpleasant crowd. Still, anyone who went to jail because of their own sister and lived to tell about it in a funny way is kool in my book.


Read about it here

Read about them here

Read about them here

A story that was fairly brutal but also a little out there, with UFOs and sticking hands inside dead cows. However it was a good book, a little exhausting to get through because it was a bit heart wrenching.

I've read all her other books, and that was because Dinah mentioned one or two of her books in one of her 50+ book updates. The titles were just too clever to pass up, I suppose. This was her third book and it's still entertaining to read about her, now, fairly disheveled life with her dogs, cats and once upon a time (at least in my mind) hot boyfriend (now husband). The everyday struggles of someone who thinks she's somebody kool and happening but really is neither kool nor happening. She is fabulous though. Tongue like a viper and well, a determination one can only admire. Train Jen just keeps on going.

On a side note, I bought this book in the city where she lives, Chicago. Which, to me, is a fun fact. Love Borders!

There is not much to add to the title. It's a game guide for Sims 3, which I'm fairly addicted to. I love playing with other peoples lives and this is the healthiest outlet. The guide is pretty good and there are delightful brownie (teee-hee geddit? Cathrine Browne - brownie. hah!) bites.

What's my favorite book of 2009? It's between Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea, Such a Pretty Fat and The Tin Star (the gay erotica book, niiiiice!)

The winner is

Yay for Jen Lancaster (who has a new book out now)!

So I didn't make the 12 books in my challenge, but I tell you, in space age 2010 I will read 12 books. And I may start today, that is, if I will ever finish this review thing.

Pheeeeew, can we go on? We must, right. We must, since we did all that whoooshing earlier.

Now on to the movies

I can't remember which movies I watched in 2009. I found a few old movie stubs but in order to find out what movies that came out in 2009, that I watched I had to go through my book cases. I found 9 DVDs that were released in 2009. Here they are
Starring Zac Efron, Matthew Perry and Michelle Trachtenberg.

I must bow my head in shame and admit I liked it enough to buy it. I bought it in Chicago. Maybe it was because I was on holiday or it could be because I kept missing the beginning on the plane to Las Vegas. It could also be because I adore Matthew Perry and hoped he'd join in on a song and dance number with Zac Efron. Alas, it didn't happen. Still a fairly alright teenage comedy. PS I don't like Michelle Trachtenberg.

Starring John Cusack, Amanda Peet, Thandie Newton, Oliver Platt, Woody Harrelson, Danny Glover, Zlatko Buric and Johann Urb to name a few.

Disaster movie. Read my review here.

Starring Scarlett Johansson, Bradley Cooper (HOT!), Justin Long, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Connelly and Drew Barrymore

Total chick flick and not a good one. So disappointing. Too many big names, fabulous title and a dull story.


Starring Bradley Cooper (HOT!), Heather Graham, Mike Tyson and Bryan Callen

Hilarious movie about a bachelor party gone completely haywire in Las Vegas. I can't say it's an intelligent movie, but it sure was entertaining. Of course it added to it, that I've been there and (if not experienced all the stuff, then at least some of it).

Starring a lot of Danish actors who are quite the A-listers in Denmark.

It's about a lot of different people who live not very far from each other, and their lives entertwine and good and bad stuff happens. It's very realistic, a bit crude in places. Social realism if you like. A real commentary on the way we live our lives these days. I don't really like Danish movies, but it wasn't a bad movie. Just not really to my taste.

Starring Tom Hanks, Ewan McGregor (Nice!), Stellan Skarsgård, Nikolaj Lie Kaas (Danish, Thure Lindhardt (Danish, and gay I believe)

Such an average, overrated movie. Based on a book by Dan Brown (I didn't like the book), so the movie alright. Still, any movie that showcases Tom Hanks in nothing but a blue speedo in the first part of the movie gets my thumbs down. I don't like Tom Hanks in general, so this may be unfair judgement.

Starring Hugh Jackman (HOT!), Nicole Kidman, Ben Mendelsohn (starred in Sample People alongside Kylie Minogue)

A gorgeous, well I would call it an epic, movie about a shameful part of the history of Australia. The story was great, the acting fabulous and I LOVED it. I cried, I smiled and well...

It was not just that one time. The camera did that twice.

Starring Kate Hudson, Anne Hathaway (we ADORE her), Bryan Greenberg, Steve Howey and Miss Candice Bergen

Another very disappointing chick flick. I adore Anne Hathaway and Miss Candice Bergen, so I just knew it was going to be a good movie. It was however, a real stinker. Mostly because they just never took that whole bridezilla thing to heart. They didn't really bring it. It was dainty and nice. AND BRIDES ARE N*E*V*E*R NICE! Weak. Really weak.

We know who's in it, after watching the previous 5 movies. We love it, we can't wait for the next one. Still, you also get this "is it over soon" feeling. There's just a limit to how much more we can take. Then again, I'll never get enough of Dame Maggie Smith and Julie Walters. Emma Watson is becoming too Hollywood pretty to be Hermoine.

Starring Sandra Bullock (LOVE her!), Ryan Reynolds (HOT!), Mary Steenburgen (FAB!), Craig T. Nelson, Miss Betty White (ADORE her!)

This is a beautifully made comedy, that references the physical comedy and has the heart of the Doris Day comedies. With the contemporary touch. Fantastic cast, and the comedic timing and foul mouth of Miss Betty White is spectacular. It may have been over exposed but it deserved every bit of attention it got. Love it.

Check these two specials from the movie

Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock naked in The Proposal

Starring Isla Fisher, Joan Cusack, John Goodman, John Lithgow, Kristin Scott Thomas, Lynn Redgrave and Julie Hagerty

Light fluffy chick flick. Mildly amusing movie about a girl who shops too much and gets a job at a financial magazine. A paradox as she is heaviely in debt. I liked it because I love fashion and can identify with the lust for designer stuff.

Starring Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Leonard Nimoy, Eric Bana, Zoe Saldana, Simon Pegg, John Cho, Winona Ryder

I would say anything that gives Winona Ryder yet another chance to prove herself is good in my book, or anything with a Chris Pine in his underoos. Still, the movie really IS good. Even for a guy such as myself who wasn't really a Trekkie. I mean, I used to watch TNG every week but I had never watched a Star Trek movie before. So for a first, this is damn spectacular. I liked it. A lot.

Starring Amy Adams (LOVE her!), Emily Blunt, Alan Arkin, Steve Zahn

Now what a delightful movie this was. A movie about biohazard removal/crime scene clean-up. Never thought I'd actually watch a movie about that, even though the TV series are packed with it these days. This has heart though, and a wonderful story. Amy Adams is always a star, and she is fantastic in this, as is Emily Blunt (who was also brilliant in The Devil Wears Prada). There is comedy, tragedy, real life and love (as far as I remember). Who knew, Steve Zahn would fit into a movie like this. Strange.

Starring Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel (HOT!), Tyrese Gibson (HOT!), John Turturro, Kevin Dunn

This was unintentionally funny. I watched it with friends and we were laughing through most of it. Most of the time we had no clue what was going on, and there seemed to not be a script this time 'round. I liked it as an action movie where you didn't have to think about what was going on, and just watch and relax your brain after a tough day at work. Which is why I bought it. That and Josh Duhamel.

OK, so maybe Josh Duhamel didn't get his kit off in the movie, but he did do this pictorial before he got famous.


On that note, we have to find a winner for best movie of 2009. It's between Sunshine Cleaning, Australia and The Proposal. Tough choice.

The winner is..

With honourable mention to the other nominated movies, because it was a very difficult choice. Love them all dearly.

Are we done yet? I think not. We still need a few more categories. Best hunk, best TV series and biggest disappointment.

Let's start with the TV Series I've followed this year

Starring Ll Cool J, Chris O'Donnell and Miss Linda Hunt

I like Ll Cool J, Miss Linda Hunt and Chris O'Donnell has grown into a total hottie. That combined with an action series placed in a fabulous city with gorgeous sun and sand, what's not to like? Well, it just doesn't work. I don't know why. I really, really want to love it. I do. I've given it every opportunity, but it's just not catching on. Why, oh why. I want it to, I really do. The teaser is fantastic and the show just isn't.

Starring Milo Venticafalatte (HOT!), Jack Coleman, Hayden Panettiere, Adrian Pasdar, Zachary Quinto, Cristine Rose (LOVE her)

I sort of lost interest after an abysmal season 2, but I thought season 3 really shaped up to be pretty good. Granted, I can't remember much of it, and I haven't bothered getting the DVD yet. I hope they won't fuck it up, because season 1 was AWESOME and season 3 was pretty good.


I'm so behind on Gossip Girl. I love it though. It's the kind of show that will eventually die out like the original Beverly Hills 90210 did when the kids (I use the term loosely) went to college. The story is good, and at times a bit saucy. I like that. Daring to push the boundaries of mainstream TV. It doesn't all have to be so prim and proper.


Starring Teri Hatcher (HATE her), Felicity Huffman, Marcia Cross (LOVE her!), Eva Longoria Parker (FAB!), James Denton (HOT!), Doug Savant (cute - he buffed up this season), Nicollette Sheridan, Dana Delany and Kathryn Joosten (comedic genius)

This was the season where Edie died. I was shocked, and I did have to take a moment before I could go on because that was huge. It was a great season though with many entanglements and it's still a bang up show. The gals are still game, and you can all look forward to season 6 if you haven't started that yet.

Starring Zachary Levi, Adam Baldwin (wow two Baldwin brothers on TV at the same time), Sarah Lancaster, Yvonne Strahovski, Ryan McPartlin (HOT!)

I must admit I didn't watch a lot of this show. Only a few full episodes but it seems great, and I have high hopes for it and plan to watch it a lot in 2010.


Starring Tom Sellec, Josh Duhamel (HOT!), Molly Sims (the guys seem to love her), Vanessa Marcil, James Lesure, Mitch Longley

Season 4 of this show was terrible, at that point I just wanted it to end. Then as season 5 picked up again it was axed. It was a shame because I really liked it. The show was amusing, sexy and action'ish and the stories (personal and otherwise) happened in a casino in Las Vegas (love that) so it was astonishing it kept going for 5 seasons. I had given it 2 seasons, but it came back and season 5 was worth watching. Tom Selleck took over after James Caan and he did a good job, you just had to get used to his style though.


Starring Tracy Scoggins, William Gregory Lee, Gregory Michael, Charlie David and Thea Gill (Queer As Folk - US edition)

Any show that gives Tracy Scoggins (Dynasty and The Colbys) another chance, eh? It doesn't actually have any business of being in this, because the latest season is from 2007. I discovered it earlier this year. The fact that it's a supernatural show with witchcraft and half naked men and women, does cement the fact that the acting on a TV show doesn't have to be brilliant. As long as they have cute butts. And they do. I quite like it, and although it's not eligible for winning, it's still worth mentioning.

This was easy. Hands down, the winner is...


Now onto best hunk..

Milo Venticafalatta
Hugh Jackman
Bradley Cooper
Robbie Williams
Josh Duhamel
George Clooney
Chris Pine
Brad Pitt
Ryan Reynolds

So which one is your favorite? I say put them all together.

Biggest disappointment? Hmmmm.. Well it's not that difficult really. I can only be

So that's about it! Let's slip back into 2010 again.


Let's hope there'll be more wonderful entertainment this year. I sure will keep better track of what movies I watch.

And honourable mention to Kylie Minogue who toured selected cities in the US in 2009 (and released a live album available on iTunes).