Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Sayhey Lovefilm presents: Not-so-live-blogging G.I. Joe Rise of the Cobra

Another one of my Lovefilm.dk rentals. I already hear you ask why oh why? First of all



Enough said! In case you don't think so, I will list the other (less significant) reasons behind my choice to watch this blockbuster action movie about the all American hero.

  1. (technically this should be no 2) Christopher Eccleston or Ecclescake as some people like to call him. I mean, did you not see him play psychopath in Shallow Grave? He is a great actor and I like his ears. Plus he was my first Doctor.
  2. Jonathan Pryce as he is always ready with a camp performance like his villian part on that dreadful James Bond movie (possibly the worst ever) Tomorrow Never Dies although I blame that solely on Teri Hatchers abysman performance.
  3. Arnold Vosloo as you can't help but love him. He's been in everything from Charmed to Red Shoe Diaries (you know, tee-hee!) through to The Mummy, all the sequels and 24 and Chuck. We, here at Sayhey, simply heart him.
  4. We love any movie based on comic books or childhood toys like Transformers, Spiderman, Fantastic Four and X-Men. However, we HATE Barbie movies with a passion.
  5. Mediocre American action movies are usually campy and fun
  6. Did I mention Channing Tatum?


That said, I watched it. While there are definately things about it that weren't very good. Like the CGI and a fair bit of the acting, I still liked it a lot. I may have to buy the DVD when it hits the bargain bins. There really isn't much better than a camp B rated action movie with a lot of totty (with their tops off). Is there? Anyway while I have already watched it, I still think it would be a good idea to give you the run down on what it's like. Step by step. Remember, we do it so you don't (or also) have to. Ladies and gentlemen (and those inbetween) I give you, G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra (like they had to put that in the title)

0.00.20 Paramount Pictures! I actually drove into their lot when I was in LA last summer. Big deal, because we hadn't booked a tour with them. So I was allowed to drive in through the main gates and drive around this flower bed thing and drive back out. It totally made my day, although I was a little disappointed to learn that we had to book in advance.

0.01.10 Oh, a backstory from France 1641.

0.02.13 Oh painful! Very hot metal mask put onto the face of a man. OUCH! He can't have lived long with that on his face.

0.02.48 Yay! Present day and Christopher Eccleston! He's telling the plot right there. Nanomites that eat metal.

0.04.16 Enter Channing Hottie Tatum. Yum! Oh and first joke. Hah-hah! A bit campy.

0.05.37 Channing Tatum is named Duke, and his lips are so sexy

0.06.16 CGI alert!

0.06.38 Uh-oh! Something is wrong.

0.07.00 I know, I know. It's bad CGI!

0.07.33 You are not making it any better dears.

0.08.00 Channing Tatum does all he can to make it all better by yelling.

0.08.40 Incoming! More bad CGI

0.09.07: Strange fighters and leather/latex clad Sienna Miller shows up. They sure as hell aren't trying to cover up that she's the bad guy now. Cliché overload.

0.09.23 I usually don't like Sienna Miller, but this is just camp enough for her to fit right in.

0.10.16 Sienna Miller spots Channing Tatum with her fancy shades. She looks troubled. What is this all about, you may think. Or you already know. I think you do.

0.10.28 Channing Tatum goes after Sienna Miller and they talk. Instead of killing him she just slaps him and he calls her Anna.

0.11.18 G. I. JOE to the rescue! Oh, sorry, we aren't supposed to know that yet. Or are we?

0.12.06 Channing Tatum runs after Sienna Miller and more bad CGI before Sienna Miller flies away empty handed.

0.12.57 Channing Tatum meets the G. I. Joes and Dennis Quaid. Heh. Channing Tatum gets bitchy.

0.14.12 Channing Tatum and his friend Marlon Wayans go with the G. I. Joes. There is a a silent man in a solid plastic outfit. The Chan man wants in on it.

0.15.21 Hilariously overdone CGI effects. Bless them for trying too hard.

0.16.24 Introduction to the Joes and they make joke. When everyone fails, we don't. Hah. Clever.

0.17.11 Yay! Eccleston is back. I love his accent.

0.18.06 Eccleston is a hologram thingy and now he's back in where ever he is. Eccleston is the bad guy. Yay!

0.19.45 Sienna Millers glasses are kool. I would wear those.

0.20.09 Yay! Arnold Vosloo! We like him.

0.20.21 More bad CGI and the introduction of the cobra. The snake freaks me out. Get that away now!

0.21.26 The snake may be CGI but that looked fairly real. Ewwww!

0.23.11 The Joe's have no idea who Sienna Miller is, but Channing knows and is about to blackmail himself onto the team.

0.24.16 There we go. Sienna Miller is a baroness now. Nice outfit.

0.25.40 Meet Storm Shadow! He is annoying.

0.26.08 Flashback to four years ago in Washington where the Chan man proposes to Sienna Miller. He looks great in his uniform. Mmmmmm.

0.27.10 Sienna Miller has a brother, and Channing promises to keep him safe while at war.

0.28.00 Back to present time, and they suit up Channing and Marlon Wayans in Robocopesque suits.

0.29.05 They now train to be Joes.

0.29.30 Hey! Was that Brendan Fraser as an instructor? He looked a bit like it.

0.30.01 Marlon Wayans keeps making passes at kool redheaded Joe girl. Stupid jokes ensue.

0.31.25 They are Joes! And now there is the Marlon and Channing half naked in the gym scene. Mmmmmm. Worth every second.

0.31.46 Marlon Wayans tries his pickup lines on kool redhead Joe girl. She's kool. And Channing in the background on the jump ropes half naked. Yum!

0.32.49 Something is wrong. Somethings going to happen.

0.33.30 Oh! They've come for the nanomites! Sienna Miller and Storm Shadow with their team of nanomite soldiers.

0.34.10 And Arnold Vosloo.

0.34.31 Inventive way of killing someone! All the way through one of those electronic thingies that the postservice use for signatures.

0.35.20 Alarma! Lot's of carnage! I love it!

0.36.06 OK, bad CGI for sure, but it's still kool!

0.36.40 Channing is faced with Sienna Miller and Storm Shadow is in the background. He can't shoot her.

0.37.24 Things explode and then flashback to Storm Shadown and black plastic Joe that doesn't speak when they were kids.

0.38.42 Sienna Miller and kool redhead Joe girl fights. I love it!

0.39.49 Bad CGI but it's all good!

0.40.08 The bad guys have the nanomite warheads.

0.40.32 More half naked Channing Tatum. Me likey!

0.41.21 Marlon Wayans makes a reference to something that was said earlier and turns into a bad joke. It's a little funny for all the wrong reasons.

0.42.09 New flashback to Storm Shadow and black plastic silent Joes past. They fight. Storm Shadow doesn't like black plastic silent Joe. Even back then.

0.43.21 Storm Shadows sensei is nice to black plastic silent Joe.

0.44.06 Christopher Eccleston tells his plans to Sienna Miller and Storm Shadow. They are going to Paris to arm a warhead.

0.44.42 Arnold Vosloo! YAY! Ewww nasty needles in head. Yikes! They are turning him into Jonathan Pryce I think.

0.45.45 The Joes find out the plan of Christopher Eccleston, or at least what we can only imagine is the first part of the plan.

0.46.37 Flashback from Channing Tatum to the time where Sienna Millers brother died in the war. He was investigating something in a lab but the airstrike is early and BOOOOOOOM!

0.48.55 Channing Tatum watches the funeral of Sienna Millers brother from afar. Astride his motorcycle looking really hot. BAM! Back to reality!

0.49.49 Sienna Miller makes a joke. It's a little funny, and her and Storm Shadow makes her husband weaponise the warheads.

0.50.49 The Joes are in Paris and looking for the bad guys.

0.51.34 Massive CGI effects on weaponising warheads. They are all weaponised.

0.52.06 Storm Shadow kills Sienna Millers husband and they leave the laboratory.

0.52.40 Massive car chase. We love it! Men in Robocopesque suits running around and jokes.

0.53.45 Bad CGI alert - lot's of it. You can just see it's all done on green screen.

0.55.03 The Joes finally figure out the bad guys are going to detonate a warhead on the Eiffel Tower. I mean D'OH! But I still think it's enjoyable.

0.56.45 I love Paris. I want to go there again someday

0.56.59 "Try this on for size boys". The way Sienna Miller says that, is pretty damn perfect. It's so camp, I love it!

0.57.45 Hah, funny! Marlon Wayans is comic relief.

0.58.32 OOOOOH! Train collision! Me likey. 'Tis fun!

0.59.37 Oh, oh! Bad guys on foot.

1.00.25 "Nice shoes" yeah, Sienna Miller both kicks arse and notices the shoes of the extras.

1.01.54 The Eiffel Tower is hit! The Joes did not do their job alright. The CGI is really over the top.

1.03.18 Channing Tatum saves Paris by hitting the kill switch. Eiffel Tower collapses

1.05.22 The Joes are arrested by Parisian police.

1.06.05 Jonathan Pryce has a great voice

1.07.16 Channing Tatum and Sienna Miller bicker and Storm Shadow has flashback to when he killed his sensei.

1.08.25 Oh, black silent plastic Joe is called Snake Eyes.

1.08.58 Bad CGI

1.10.05 The Joes have figured out where McCullen's base. Bad joke by Frenchie

1.10.39 Channing Tatum is being taken to the base and he steals the case with the warheads and he activates a tracking beacon. Channing Smarty pants.

1.11.40 The bad guys don't notice.

1.12.03 The base is underneath the polar icecap very CGI'ey

1.12.36 Oh oh, Ecclescake! He kisses Sienna Miller who has flashbacks

1.14.02 Dennis Quaid asks the Joes to defy direct orders and go take down McCullen, and they all agree.

1.15.15 Meet the Doctor. Heh, well you may as well know, he's the Cobra. There, I spoiled it for you.

1.15.58 I love polar bears. I hope it wasn't hurt by the massive CGI thingy that just flew in

1.17.03 Doctor is about to inject nanomites into Channing Tatum while he tells him the story of himself. He shows us, that he is Sienna Millers brother.

1.18.05 Flashback to what happened to Sienna Millers brother in the lab in the war. He meets someone who looks like Dennis Miller. I wonder if they are related in real life. Hmmm. It's not Dennis Miller though, I checked. Never heard of the guy.

1.19.40 Christopher Eccleson launches the missiles with the nanomites. What to do?

1.20.10 Marlon Wayans to the rescue! He is to hunt down the missiles in an ultra fancy fighter plane.

1.21.16 Redhead kool girl Joe kisses Marlon Wayans.

1.22.03 Sienna Miller saves Channing Tatum from being injected with nanomites and her brother threatens Channing Tatum with killing her.

1.22.33 Redhead kool girl Joe is called Scarlet. Hmmm, a little late for that kind of info?

1.24.08 Underwater CGI fight. It's not at all engaging but it's OK.

1.25.20 Action baby! Action!

1.27.00 Channing Tatum to Sienna Miller "I'm gonna get you outta here"

1.28.20 Marlon Wayans saves Moscow.

1.28.45 Meet Arnold Vosloo again. He's become Jonathan Pryce. Tee-hee! Very Mission Impossiblesque

1.30.08 Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes (you know, black plastic silent Joe) fight it out.

1.31.39 Channing Tatum is getting away with Sienna Miller. Lots of underwater CGI

1.32.14 Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes battle it out still and an abundance of CGI

1.32.44 Storm Shadow is fit!

1.33.05 Marlon Wayans missed a missile and they are in big trouble.

1.34.28 Rest in peace fit Storm Shadow (at the bottom of the sea)

1.35.04 More CGI and it's a little much.

1.36.09 Marlon Wayans saves the day!

1.37.24 Marlon Wayans was arrested by the White House (these days it's really earning the name with all that snow huh?)

1.37.58 CGI alert! Lot's of it.

1.39.20 It's not even impressive. Well, maybe if I watched it at the cinema?

1.40.16 Sienna Millers brother injects Christoper Eccleston with nanomites and his face is all metal now. Bad line from Eccleson. Not good.

1.41.16 "This is Captain Duke Hauser prepare to be boarded" Now that's something I'd like to hear from Channing Tatum. Mmmmm.

1.41.51 More CGI

1.42.16 Eccleston and Sienna Millers brother are now imprisoned.

1.42.52 Channing Tatum loves Sienna MIller still.

1.43.05 More CGI It's so obvious it's not even funny. Well it is actually.

1.44.04 I hope there'll be a sequel. If they can do the opposite of what happened with the Transformers franchise.

1.44.48 Arnold Vosloo in the body of Jonathan Pryce is now president.

1.45.19 It's all over now. The end credits now. The song boom boom boom song isn't very good.

Now, I really liked it in that campy, action B movie kind of way and I really do hope they'll come back with a sequel.

Thank you for your time.

Saturday, February 06, 2010

Sayhey Lovefilm presents: Not-so-live-blogging Twilight

Ok, so at first I never considered watching Twilight. Mostly because it is ridiculously overexposed, and the vampire thing is kind of old. I figured that once the whole franchise up and died, I would eventually see what the commotion was about. It would be years.

Me thinks they might have used a bit of photoshop on this one. Great hair but girl in brown jacket needs to lay off the drugs. Look at those eyes!

Then one fatal evening I was fiddling about on the DVD rental site Lovefilm.dk and ended up putting the movie on my wishlist. As the lowest priority. You see, there are 3 priorities. Gold, silver and bronze and I figured everyone would be renting it and it would be a long while before it would end up in my mailbox. Then came the fatal email,


Hej Pete!

Vi har netop afsendt følgende film:


G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Mange gode filmhilsner



OH my! So I suppose I had to watch it now. As I'm a little bemused by the situation, I thought I'd share my reactions first hand with you. Look at it like a service I do, so you don't have to watch this teenage vampire sobfest. Then again, as I haven't watched it yet, I don't know if it's really like that. Here we go...

0.00.30: Deer looks a bit dreary. Why do all vampire things start in the forrest? It's the same with the series The Vampire Diaries (although that's pretty good)

0.00.42: Oh somethings happening. Wild camera work!

0.01.22: Wow white trash alert! Bellas mother looks like white trash

0.02.09: Bellas father is a cop. He looks a bit shifty, I think he may be up to something.

0.02.56: they couldn't get a real police car, so they got a regular car. Put lights on top of it and wrote 'police' and 911 down the sides. Apparently it didn't matter if it looked authentic.

0.03.08: This'll be a long post, sorry! But I have to say, Bella just moved in with her father and now she's whining about there only being one bathroom. This is exciting stuff!

0.04.11: Wow they have native Indians or something. At least they have long hair. One is the guy who becomes a wolf I think! Charming smile.

0.05.45: Bella starts school and people laugh about her orange truck. Oh, and gay Japanese guy just walked in. Hideous hair.

0.07.06: Bella meets boy. Looks like a teenage version of Edward Norton. She hit him in the head with a volleyball and now cheery smiley girl comes over. Wonder if she's his girlfriend or something.

0.07.33: Cheery smiley girl is annoying.

0.08.48: Girls talking about Kirks olympic sized wiener and speedo padding. I might like this movie after all.

0.09.05: Meet the Cullens. The dark haired Cullen boy is cute.

0.09.59: Enter Edward - you know, THE Edward who does at least have great hair.

0.10.38: Wind machine moment, Bellas hair flying everywhere as she sees Edward sitting alone in science (or whatever class they are taking). This is ridiculous.

0.11.09: Yes, she's told to sit next to him. This is such bad acting. I'm laughing my arse off.

0.12.38: Bella meets the local characters and dad isn't talking at all.

0.14.11: Bella is annoyed that Edward Cullen ditched her in Biology (it was biology) class and he had wanted to get out of biology and she is annoyed. Everything is getting strange - whoa!

0.15.35: The first person was killed. We saw it from afar, and Bella fell on her arse. Kind of funny.

0.16.38: The dialogue really stinks.

0.17.15: Gay Japanese guy asks Bella to go to some kind of dance with him

0.17.53: It speaks! Edward Cullen speaks!

0.19.58: I wonder how much hairspray was needed to keep his hair in place like that. He has great hair.

0.20.45: Bella looks dumb

0.22.21: EXCITEMENT OVERLOAD! Car got out of control and Edward saved Bella with supernatural strength and leaves.

0.23.28: Another ghostly white Cullen. A doctor. He looks like something out of a Doctor Who episode.

0.26.13: Bella annoys me. She's so whiney and dull.

0.27.06: Edward is wearing a nice jacket.

0.28.10: How can Edward be out in the sunlight? Is it a good spf 1000 sunblock

0.32.08: Bella: "Your moodswings are giving me whiplash" - are you kidding me?!?

0.35.13: Jacob the native Indian guy with the pearly white teeth tells the dramatic story of his tribe. You know, about the whole wolf thing and the Cullens and all. It's all very mysterious now. Heh.

0.37.22: Vampire attack numero dos and Bella plays Nancy Drew.

0.41.11: Drama! Edward Cullen saves the day. Bella was almost attacked by a mob of guys with beer cans.

0.43.09: This is not a movie for me. I'm taking a break to make myself a sandwich.

0.47.25: After spending time with Edward, Bella is off reading in her new Nancy Drew book about legends of the Indian tribe

0.48.30: Bella finally figures out that Edward and the Cullens are vampires. D'OH!

0.49.36: Bella confronts Edward, and he fesses up. Camera spinning around them. This is hilarious.

0.51.43: Edward shows what he looks like in the sunlight. He shimmers like diamonds and tells her that he is the worlds most dangerous predator. Ooooooooh!

0.53.15: The dialogue is hilarious. We do, however learn that the Cullens only hunt and eat animals. No humans.

0.54.27: There is an hour left of this tripe. Kill me, kill me now!

0.55.30: It looks like they are in love and the camera is spinning around them. This is so funny.

0.57.38: Edward and Bella arrive at school, as a couple.

1.00.43: It's going to be all Meet The Parents soon. Bella is going to meet Edwards parents.

1.02.04: Jacob should really get a haircut.

1.03.02: Nice house! Very modern house Edward lives in.

1.05.15: Rosalie (Edwards sister) is pissed at Bella because she thinks that things will go wrong.

1.09.50: Edward takes Bella on a little ride up the ol'e trees in the woods. It's a little ridiculous and the camera is spinning around them again. They like doing that.

1.01.19: Apparently it's not a problem for Edward to enter a house without being asked to come in. I thought that was a whole vampire thing.

1.15.24: Passionate kissing scene Bella and Edward. Oh oh and Edward gets all whiney again and can't lose control with her. So they just talk. Oh and the camera moves around them.

1.17.45: Bellas father hates Edward, or at least that's what it looks like.

1.19.22: You know, in Harry Potter there are those Quiddich matches in bad weather? Well the Cullens play baseball.

1.20.45: Here comes the killer vampires! Maybe it'll be interesting.

1.21.42: Black dreadlock bad vampire looks fit. His name is Laurent.

1.23.36: Excitement fizzled out fairly quickly. Like the rest of the movie.

1.25.27: Bella is packing and leaving while bad vampire blond longhaired fella James is outside watching.

1.25.45: The beginning of the end of the beginning is starting now.

1.32.12: Bella has a skanky Nokia mobile but now it's supposed to become exciting.

1.34.00: The bad blonde longhaired vampire tricked Bella into a ballet studio and he is so ridiculous. The whole thing is so excrusiatingly bad.

1.35.41: At least there is a fight scene. Even if the dialogue and the story behind it sucks.

1.36.14: Somehow I got Kylies track Fever in my head "I was bitten by the bug and now I'm coming down with oh, something that can't be cured"

1.37.37: Oh, the drama!

1.42.22: Bella and Edward are going to prom together. He looks nice in his suit.

1.43.22: Jacob seriously has hair issues.

1.45.29: The romantic dancing scene. *waits for the camera to spin arou....* Oh there it is!

1.46.25: I wish Bella becomes a psychotic vampire killing machine

1.47.34: It's got to end now. Please!

1.48.34: Finally!! End credits.

So this wasn't my kind of thing. It was fairly ridiculous and unless they take the speed up a notch or fifty and force the actors to take lessons, the sequel promises to be no better.

Thank you for your time.

Monday, February 01, 2010

Traumatic MeMeMeMeMe

I read our dear Princess at Palais de Steff blog. It so happens that the Princess herself has been tagged to do a meme by our lovely Miss Scarlet. Name dropping much? Absolutely! Well, they both did lovely memes in which they were to share 3 classic movie moments that in some shape or form have made them buy things/do things/think things that perhaps they shouldn't have.

After reading the two, I felt compelled to share as well, however there is a backstory to this movie business that needs to be shared first. So feel free to put on a face mask or grab a bottle of Champagne and get yourself settled.

In the home I grew up there wasn't a lot of movies. We had one TV in the living room but no VCR, and I wasn't allowed to watch foreign movies. Actually, as far as I remember I was only to allowed to watch the kids programming from 6-6.30pm and that was it. Going to the movies was something that only happened on special occasions. Like when they would show certain Danish folk comedies that were about a group of thieves where only the leader always ended up getting caught. They were called Olsen Banden and they weren't very good. My mother enjoyed them and would take me with her for an afternoon screening of these whenever they showed the old 'classics'. My mother also took me along to watch the Disney Classics. Only on one occasion was my father tagging along. It was back when The Fox and the Hound (in Danish it's called Mads & Mikkel (two boys names)) had premiered. Apparently it was a late screening for my bedtime so I was put into my pyjamas and taken to the cinema.

The movie makes me cry like a baby, and this song does the same. For all you non-Danes out there, you'll probably get a kick out of it, but the lyrics are great.
I think The Fox and the Hound was the first movie I watched at the movies.

It would be many years after that, I actually got to go to the movies without my parents. There was a group of people from school that went to see Jurassic Park together. The only reason I was invited along was because my father would pick some of us up after the movie and drive us home. I was 15 years old. Subsequently this was also the first VHS movie I bought and the beginning of a collection that grew, and grew, and grew. Much to my mothers dismay.

Oh, I should mention here, that I had nightmares for a week after watching Jurassic Park.

Then in 1998 Titanic hit that friggin iceberg, Leonardo DiCaprio died and Celine Dingdong made sure we were all traumatised for good. I refused to go watch it. My mother wanted to see it and my father finally put his foot down. For the first time in history, my father took his youngest son and wife out to dinner and then off to the movies. It was a major step for mankind. You could land a million space shuttles and send a herd of cattle to Uranus and still, it would seem like less of a deal than our night at the movies.

I went because it was free, and because my father kept saying that 'since you like movies, and movie history so much, it would be foolish not to watch it at the movies'. He had a point, and just because it was so over exposed and was rammed down our throats everywhere we went didn't mean it had to be bad. Right? We ended up on second row, having to turn our heads from one direction to the other to see the entire screen. I got horribly sea sick, but kept my dinner down. Thank god. My mother loved it and my father scored some points with her. I just don't want to know what he traded them in for.

Growing up, I wasn't influenced by movies. Unlike my classmates I never got to watch Dirty Dancing at the movies, and such. Another first though, was when we got a VCR and recorded our first movie. It was Coming To America and still, to this day it holds a special place in my heart. Even if it's far from my favorite movie.

When I was 17 I met a guy. We were starting at the same school and were taking the same classes. He also liked movies and we ended up getting along really well. Of course, he was not really into the old classic movies like the fabulous Houseboat from 1958 and he wasn't interested in getting to know the likes of 2001: A Space Odyssey and such. It didn't matter because although he wasn't as starved when it came to movie culture as I was, he was bitten by the bug.

I think my mother secretly resents him for introducing me to life as well as movies, because I was a lot easier to be around before then. Anyway, my collection grew and now that it's all gone digital I have found myself having quite a few DVDs.

Ok, let's zoom in shall we?







Sorry about the dust and stuff.

Feel free to do the meme if you like.