- (technically this should be no 2) Christopher Eccleston or Ecclescake as some people like to call him. I mean, did you not see him play psychopath in Shallow Grave? He is a great actor and I like his ears. Plus he was my first Doctor.
- Jonathan Pryce as he is always ready with a camp performance like his villian part on that dreadful James Bond movie (possibly the worst ever) Tomorrow Never Dies although I blame that solely on Teri Hatchers abysman performance.
- Arnold Vosloo as you can't help but love him. He's been in everything from Charmed to Red Shoe Diaries (you know, tee-hee!) through to The Mummy, all the sequels and 24 and Chuck. We, here at Sayhey, simply heart him.
- We love any movie based on comic books or childhood toys like Transformers, Spiderman, Fantastic Four and X-Men. However, we HATE Barbie movies with a passion.
- Mediocre American action movies are usually campy and fun
- Did I mention Channing Tatum?
That said, I watched it. While there are definately things about it that weren't very good. Like the CGI and a fair bit of the acting, I still liked it a lot. I may have to buy the DVD when it hits the bargain bins. There really isn't much better than a camp B rated action movie with a lot of totty (with their tops off). Is there? Anyway while I have already watched it, I still think it would be a good idea to give you the run down on what it's like. Step by step. Remember, we do it so you don't (or also) have to. Ladies and gentlemen (and those inbetween) I give you, G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra (like they had to put that in the title)
0.00.20 Paramount Pictures! I actually drove into their lot when I was in LA last summer. Big deal, because we hadn't booked a tour with them. So I was allowed to drive in through the main gates and drive around this flower bed thing and drive back out. It totally made my day, although I was a little disappointed to learn that we had to book in advance.
0.01.10 Oh, a backstory from France 1641.
0.02.13 Oh painful! Very hot metal mask put onto the face of a man. OUCH! He can't have lived long with that on his face.
0.02.48 Yay! Present day and Christopher Eccleston! He's telling the plot right there. Nanomites that eat metal.
0.04.16 Enter Channing Hottie Tatum. Yum! Oh and first joke. Hah-hah! A bit campy.
0.05.37 Channing Tatum is named Duke, and his lips are so sexy
0.06.16 CGI alert!
0.06.38 Uh-oh! Something is wrong.
0.07.00 I know, I know. It's bad CGI!
0.07.33 You are not making it any better dears.
0.08.00 Channing Tatum does all he can to make it all better by yelling.
0.08.40 Incoming! More bad CGI
0.09.07: Strange fighters and leather/latex clad Sienna Miller shows up. They sure as hell aren't trying to cover up that she's the bad guy now. Cliché overload.
0.09.23 I usually don't like Sienna Miller, but this is just camp enough for her to fit right in.
0.10.16 Sienna Miller spots Channing Tatum with her fancy shades. She looks troubled. What is this all about, you may think. Or you already know. I think you do.
0.10.28 Channing Tatum goes after Sienna Miller and they talk. Instead of killing him she just slaps him and he calls her Anna.
0.11.18 G. I. JOE to the rescue! Oh, sorry, we aren't supposed to know that yet. Or are we?
0.12.06 Channing Tatum runs after Sienna Miller and more bad CGI before Sienna Miller flies away empty handed.
0.12.57 Channing Tatum meets the G. I. Joes and Dennis Quaid. Heh. Channing Tatum gets bitchy.
0.14.12 Channing Tatum and his friend Marlon Wayans go with the G. I. Joes. There is a a silent man in a solid plastic outfit. The Chan man wants in on it.
0.15.21 Hilariously overdone CGI effects. Bless them for trying too hard.
0.16.24 Introduction to the Joes and they make joke. When everyone fails, we don't. Hah. Clever.
0.17.11 Yay! Eccleston is back. I love his accent.
0.18.06 Eccleston is a hologram thingy and now he's back in where ever he is. Eccleston is the bad guy. Yay!
0.19.45 Sienna Millers glasses are kool. I would wear those.
0.20.09 Yay! Arnold Vosloo! We like him.
0.20.21 More bad CGI and the introduction of the cobra. The snake freaks me out. Get that away now!
0.21.26 The snake may be CGI but that looked fairly real. Ewwww!
0.23.11 The Joe's have no idea who Sienna Miller is, but Channing knows and is about to blackmail himself onto the team.
0.24.16 There we go. Sienna Miller is a baroness now. Nice outfit.
0.25.40 Meet Storm Shadow! He is annoying.
0.26.08 Flashback to four years ago in Washington where the Chan man proposes to Sienna Miller. He looks great in his uniform. Mmmmmm.
0.27.10 Sienna Miller has a brother, and Channing promises to keep him safe while at war.
0.28.00 Back to present time, and they suit up Channing and Marlon Wayans in Robocopesque suits.
0.29.05 They now train to be Joes.
0.29.30 Hey! Was that Brendan Fraser as an instructor? He looked a bit like it.
0.30.01 Marlon Wayans keeps making passes at kool redheaded Joe girl. Stupid jokes ensue.
0.31.25 They are Joes! And now there is the Marlon and Channing half naked in the gym scene. Mmmmmm. Worth every second.
0.31.46 Marlon Wayans tries his pickup lines on kool redhead Joe girl. She's kool. And Channing in the background on the jump ropes half naked. Yum!
0.32.49 Something is wrong. Somethings going to happen.
0.33.30 Oh! They've come for the nanomites! Sienna Miller and Storm Shadow with their team of nanomite soldiers.
0.34.10 And Arnold Vosloo.
0.34.31 Inventive way of killing someone! All the way through one of those electronic thingies that the postservice use for signatures.
0.35.20 Alarma! Lot's of carnage! I love it!
0.36.06 OK, bad CGI for sure, but it's still kool!
0.36.40 Channing is faced with Sienna Miller and Storm Shadow is in the background. He can't shoot her.
0.37.24 Things explode and then flashback to Storm Shadown and black plastic Joe that doesn't speak when they were kids.
0.38.42 Sienna Miller and kool redhead Joe girl fights. I love it!
0.39.49 Bad CGI but it's all good!
0.40.08 The bad guys have the nanomite warheads.
0.40.32 More half naked Channing Tatum. Me likey!
0.41.21 Marlon Wayans makes a reference to something that was said earlier and turns into a bad joke. It's a little funny for all the wrong reasons.
0.42.09 New flashback to Storm Shadow and black plastic silent Joes past. They fight. Storm Shadow doesn't like black plastic silent Joe. Even back then.
0.43.21 Storm Shadows sensei is nice to black plastic silent Joe.
0.44.06 Christopher Eccleston tells his plans to Sienna Miller and Storm Shadow. They are going to Paris to arm a warhead.
0.44.42 Arnold Vosloo! YAY! Ewww nasty needles in head. Yikes! They are turning him into Jonathan Pryce I think.
0.45.45 The Joes find out the plan of Christopher Eccleston, or at least what we can only imagine is the first part of the plan.
0.46.37 Flashback from Channing Tatum to the time where Sienna Millers brother died in the war. He was investigating something in a lab but the airstrike is early and BOOOOOOOM!
0.48.55 Channing Tatum watches the funeral of Sienna Millers brother from afar. Astride his motorcycle looking really hot. BAM! Back to reality!
0.49.49 Sienna Miller makes a joke. It's a little funny, and her and Storm Shadow makes her husband weaponise the warheads.
0.50.49 The Joes are in Paris and looking for the bad guys.
0.51.34 Massive CGI effects on weaponising warheads. They are all weaponised.
0.52.06 Storm Shadow kills Sienna Millers husband and they leave the laboratory.
0.52.40 Massive car chase. We love it! Men in Robocopesque suits running around and jokes.
0.53.45 Bad CGI alert - lot's of it. You can just see it's all done on green screen.
0.55.03 The Joes finally figure out the bad guys are going to detonate a warhead on the Eiffel Tower. I mean D'OH! But I still think it's enjoyable.
0.56.45 I love Paris. I want to go there again someday
0.56.59 "Try this on for size boys". The way Sienna Miller says that, is pretty damn perfect. It's so camp, I love it!
0.57.45 Hah, funny! Marlon Wayans is comic relief.
0.58.32 OOOOOH! Train collision! Me likey. 'Tis fun!
0.59.37 Oh, oh! Bad guys on foot.
1.00.25 "Nice shoes" yeah, Sienna Miller both kicks arse and notices the shoes of the extras.
1.01.54 The Eiffel Tower is hit! The Joes did not do their job alright. The CGI is really over the top.
1.03.18 Channing Tatum saves Paris by hitting the kill switch. Eiffel Tower collapses
1.05.22 The Joes are arrested by Parisian police.
1.06.05 Jonathan Pryce has a great voice
1.07.16 Channing Tatum and Sienna Miller bicker and Storm Shadow has flashback to when he killed his sensei.
1.08.25 Oh, black silent plastic Joe is called Snake Eyes.
1.08.58 Bad CGI
1.10.05 The Joes have figured out where McCullen's base. Bad joke by Frenchie
1.10.39 Channing Tatum is being taken to the base and he steals the case with the warheads and he activates a tracking beacon. Channing Smarty pants.
1.11.40 The bad guys don't notice.
1.12.03 The base is underneath the polar icecap very CGI'ey
1.12.36 Oh oh, Ecclescake! He kisses Sienna Miller who has flashbacks
1.14.02 Dennis Quaid asks the Joes to defy direct orders and go take down McCullen, and they all agree.
1.15.15 Meet the Doctor. Heh, well you may as well know, he's the Cobra. There, I spoiled it for you.
1.15.58 I love polar bears. I hope it wasn't hurt by the massive CGI thingy that just flew in
1.17.03 Doctor is about to inject nanomites into Channing Tatum while he tells him the story of himself. He shows us, that he is Sienna Millers brother.
1.18.05 Flashback to what happened to Sienna Millers brother in the lab in the war. He meets someone who looks like Dennis Miller. I wonder if they are related in real life. Hmmm. It's not Dennis Miller though, I checked. Never heard of the guy.
1.19.40 Christopher Eccleson launches the missiles with the nanomites. What to do?
1.20.10 Marlon Wayans to the rescue! He is to hunt down the missiles in an ultra fancy fighter plane.
1.21.16 Redhead kool girl Joe kisses Marlon Wayans.
1.22.03 Sienna Miller saves Channing Tatum from being injected with nanomites and her brother threatens Channing Tatum with killing her.
1.22.33 Redhead kool girl Joe is called Scarlet. Hmmm, a little late for that kind of info?
1.24.08 Underwater CGI fight. It's not at all engaging but it's OK.
1.25.20 Action baby! Action!
1.27.00 Channing Tatum to Sienna Miller "I'm gonna get you outta here"
1.28.20 Marlon Wayans saves Moscow.
1.28.45 Meet Arnold Vosloo again. He's become Jonathan Pryce. Tee-hee! Very Mission Impossiblesque
1.30.08 Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes (you know, black plastic silent Joe) fight it out.
1.31.39 Channing Tatum is getting away with Sienna Miller. Lots of underwater CGI
1.32.14 Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes battle it out still and an abundance of CGI
1.32.44 Storm Shadow is fit!
1.33.05 Marlon Wayans missed a missile and they are in big trouble.
1.34.28 Rest in peace fit Storm Shadow (at the bottom of the sea)
1.35.04 More CGI and it's a little much.
1.36.09 Marlon Wayans saves the day!
1.37.24 Marlon Wayans was arrested by the White House (these days it's really earning the name with all that snow huh?)
1.37.58 CGI alert! Lot's of it.
1.39.20 It's not even impressive. Well, maybe if I watched it at the cinema?
1.40.16 Sienna Millers brother injects Christoper Eccleston with nanomites and his face is all metal now. Bad line from Eccleson. Not good.
1.41.16 "This is Captain Duke Hauser prepare to be boarded" Now that's something I'd like to hear from Channing Tatum. Mmmmm.
1.41.51 More CGI
1.42.16 Eccleston and Sienna Millers brother are now imprisoned.
1.42.52 Channing Tatum loves Sienna MIller still.
1.43.05 More CGI It's so obvious it's not even funny. Well it is actually.
1.44.04 I hope there'll be a sequel. If they can do the opposite of what happened with the Transformers franchise.
1.44.48 Arnold Vosloo in the body of Jonathan Pryce is now president.
1.45.19 It's all over now. The end credits now. The song boom boom boom song isn't very good.
Now, I really liked it in that campy, action B movie kind of way and I really do hope they'll come back with a sequel.
Thank you for your time.