Flashing for fashion

It's that time of year again - the biggest runway of the season. The Academy Awards was last night. Did you watch it? I planned ahead, threw tantrums and managed to get today off so I could sit up all night to watch it, eat cake, drink Pierre Ponnelle, crisps, fine foods and be entertained by the glitz and glamour that is the Oscars. Every year there are horrid dresses on the red carpet - do we all remember this?

Mrs. Potatosack and Fergie

But that was last year. This year the stars were playing it really safe. With the economic climate they simply couldn't afford to end up on the worst dressed list. Still, there were a few stars who ended up looking tragic. As always ABC rolled out the big guns (hah!) with Michelle Tuzee and Randolph Duke commenting on the gowns. I have no idea what right Michelle Tuzee has to comment on how the stars dress when she always ends up in some tragic Randolph Duke creation. Randolph Duke himself gets scarier and scarier every year. It seems like he ends up looking younger every year and his teeth whiter. Bizarre and fascinating in the can't stop watching a car crash kind of way. It's hilarious. He always says something slightly complimentary with no substance at all. He did however have comments on Hannah Montana and Gabriella Montez (Miley Cyrus and Vanessa Hudgens) who he thought looked 'too old' in the dresses. He also kept saying how some of the stars posed and others didn't. After the millionth mention I think we got it. Thank you.

This is not just about Randolph Duke though. Thankfully I didn't see any of his creations on the red carpet. We start with two of my favorites.

The gorgeous



The first one is Academy Award Nominee (she was robbed!) Anne Hathaway looking gorgeous as ever in a paillette laden Armani Prive gown.
The second is Amy Adams in a fabulous red Carolina Herrera gown. She's wearing a big sparkly and colourful necklace that I'm not so keen on but she's so lovely.

The Royal



Melissa Leo - another Academy Award nominee looking like a youngish Camilla Parker-Bowles in this hideous brown Badgley Mischka dress. We know that brown is in fashion now but you have to be really careful with it or you'll look like a big poo. I think we saw a shorter version of this dress in burgundy last year or the year before. No thank you, bad horsey!

Tits on parade



John Legend wore Prada and his girlfriend Christine Teigen in a Julia Clancey parading her tits around. A little inappropriate for the Oscars if you ask me. If it wasn't for the boobage the dress wouldn't have been very memorable. I'm not feeling the colour but at least it's not red, white or black.

Sarah Jessica Parker and a very old looking Matthew Broderick. SJP is wearing a Dior gown with a belt around her waist. Not that you notice at first glance because they clearly underestimated the size of her ugly tits. She's quite obviously spilling out and she should really start reinventing herself because the fairytale princess look is getting old. Or she's getting too old for it. Whatever.

Young is the new old



Miley Cyrus looking like a Christmas decoration or cake in this Zuhair Murad dress. Notice how she tried to be trendy with the belt with the seashells. It's not working. The dress is hideous in my humble opinion. She does look too 'old' considering her age. Then again we can't compare her to Amy Adams and Anne Hathaway - they are in a league of their own.

Zach Efron has hair issues, but the Dolce Gabbana suit is lovely. Vanessa looks like she's trying too hard in this black Marchesa gown. It might have worked on someone else but it's a big mess on her.

The veterans



Sophia Loren can do anything - I don't care. She can wear the most insane yellow/orange Armani gown and get as many facelifts as she wants. She's still fabulous. Bless her!

Meryl Streep looks fantastic in this gray off the shoulder custom made Alberta Ferretti gown. She knows what she's doing. Notice how her upper arms are covered. You won't be able to see her bingowings flapping in the breeze or that bit of fat around the armpit - and she surely has both. Meryl Streep is classy.

Acceptable in the 80s



Evan Rachel Wood wears a nice Elie Saab gown - the colour is a little boring though. Her makeup and hair is looking a little to 1980s Madonna to me.

Mickey Rourke should have been sent home to change. Some are saying how he has great personal style but somehow I don't think there is much style about being a bowlegged 1980s hasbeen who got another 15 minutes of fame. It's an insult to the awards.

Red, White and Blue



Virginia Madsen in a red one shoulder gown by Kevan Hall. Gorgeous.

Nancy O'Dell in a one shoulder gown by Pamela Rolland. I think we've seen this before, possibly in a different colour. Red?

Frieda Pinto and Dev Patel. Frieda Pinto is wearing a blue John Galliano gown. I'm not sure I like the colour. It's a little 80s but she pulls it off beautifully.

Melissa George in a white Dolce Gabbana gown. I love Dolce Gabbana but I'm not sure I like this one. Maybe it's because she doesn't look comfortable in it. Or maybe it's boob area that isn't working.

Black is the new Black



Josh Brolin and Diane Lane looking very good together. Diane Lane looks stunning in this black gown.

Jennifer Grey wearing a black Dolce Gabbana gown. It's very nice but she's not taking any chances unlike when she had her nose done.

Anthony Hopkins and Stella Arroyave. He's still got it, hasn't he? I'm not liking her dress.
Michael Sheen with his wife, I'm assuming. I like what I see.

The contenders



Academy Award nominee Viola Davis looking stunning in a Reem Akra gown.

Academy Award nominee Taraji P. Henson looking stunning in a white tiered Roberto Cavalli gown with Fred Leighton jewels. I don't like the necklace but everything else is perfect.

The wannabees





Beyonce looking tragic in this hideous gown from her own House of Dereon Couture. I think it's time she disappeared back under the rock she came from. Hideous!

Lisa Rinna and Joey Fatone were also there. I wonder why. Lisa Rinna wore a Gustavo Cadile gown and her hair looks insane.

Speaking of why are they there. Mario Lopez of Saved by the Bell fame was there. Next year they'll invite Screech.

Seal and Heidi Klum were there too. Heidi Klum wore a Roland Mouret gown. It's adventurous but I'm not liking it. I would say it's always a bit of a hit or miss with her, but honestly I think she's more miss than hit.

Colours



Natalie Portman in a gown by Rodarte. She's so skinny, but she still looks great.

Alicia Keys in an Armani Prive gown. I hate to admit that she looks great, but she does. The slit might be a little much though.

S for Style or Swinton




Tilda Swinton might not be the prettiest woman in the world. She may not always dress well but this year she's looking very couture in this beige draped bluse and black satin skirt both by Lavin.

The Winners



I don't like Penelope Cruz, it doesn't help that she said she had worn this vintage Pierre Balmain gown before. It' just not to my taste, but very fitting that she won wearing a vintage gown. This certainly won't hurt her career. Try to find something else for next year.

Nicole Kidman looked stunning in a L'Wren Scott feather and beaded gown. She always manages to look fabulous.

Halle Berry in a black and gold beaded Marchesa gown. At first I thought it looked good on her. However on further inspection I'm not liking it. She could and should have done a lot better.

Marion Cotillard in this hideous tulle extravanganza from Dior.

Kate Winslet is a gorgeous woman. Her face, her hair it's divine. Yet she wore a dreadful Atelier Yves Saint Laurent by Stefano Pilati.

Reese Witherspoon is wearing a vintage Christian Dior gown. I don't like it. It doesn't look good on her.

The Queen



She looks wonderful, in this one shoulder gown by Georges Chakra. I adore Queen Latifah.

The napkins



Marissa Tomei in an interesting Versace creation. If it wasn't for the poorly executed bust it would have been a fabulous gown. It does look a lot like it was pieced together by satin napkins. Apparently the gown didn't arrive until the morning of the Academy Awards. Bless her for waiting.

Jessica Biel in Prada. It looks like a hideous mess.

The power couple



Brad Pitt in a Tom Ford tux and Angelina Jolie looking like Morticia Addams in an Elie Saab gown.

Why is Angelina Jolie laughing?

Brad: I think I have a shot at the Oscar tonight, I can feel it!
Angelina: Hahaha yeah right!
Brad: Honest
Angelina: Hahahahahahaha that's the best joke I've heard all year. Keep dreaming pretty boy

The political couple



I hope that's father and son though. Bless him for winning though.

That's it! It's all over until next year. I leave you with a picture of the wonderful and very dashing host Hugh Jackman. I hope he does it again next year.