Old and Bitter

First of all, I want to say that I got my iPhone back on Wednesday. It was a long wait but on the positive side I got a brand spankin' new one. Good times, as Tim would say. It was like missing a limb not to have it, which proves that the iPhone was the right choice for me. Honestly, I'd say the iPhone is for everyone. It's got everything you need (except Flash and a decent camera). So now on with the show. Last time I updated I purposely omitted my meeting with Madge. Of course you don't actually meet Madge, you see her on stage doing her thing and then she leaves. That's basically it really.

Well, we sailed from Millenium Pier to the O2 where the concert was held and apparently we arrived unfashionably early. Before anything else we went to the tats stand. You know, the place you buy the heartshaped sunglasses, hideous t-shirts and the tour programme. Naturally I got the programme which I will address later. For once Madgetastic was on time and he (I'm describing my friend here, not Madge - just thought I'd explain as that could be fairly confusing) had us eating our terrible concert venue pizza upstairs before heading into the arena (I suppose) while Paul Oakenfold was warming up the crowd.



I looked around to see how many people were there.



Clearly people could care less about Paul Oakenfold and cared more about hitting up Nando's outside, buying tat or dolling up in the loo. I could understand why because it was less than inspired and I got no warm feelings from looking at this sad old kreacher - to specify I mean Paul Oakenfold. He wasn't exactly warming anyones cockles.

So we patiently sat there waiting, and waiting for him to leave the stage. Then we waited, and waited until I spotted something



But I had spotted something. Four figures up near the far left screen. I swear one of the is the old bag herself. Unfortunately none of our cameras worked well enough to zoom in for a closer look but she was there. Looking over the few in attendance. It was kind of sad. Mostly for her and the kreacher.

Then the lights went out and all sorts of graphics whirled by on the monitors



A gumball machine. How inventive. Showing us how they were made from what I can only assume was old ingredients. All revealing her sitting on her throne - legs spread as wide as the old hip replacements would allow. It's amazing how flexible they make bolts, cements and plastic these days. Before we go further I'm giving you the set list.

• Candy Shop


• Beat Goes On


• Human Nature (YAY!)


• Vogue (YAY!)


• Into The Groove


• Holiday


• Dress You Up


• She's Not Me


• Music


• Devil Wouldn't Recognize You (YAY!)


• Spanish Lesson (she always performs the ultimate stinker from her recent albu doesn't she?)


• Miles Away


• La Isla Bonita


• Doli Doli


• You Must Love Me


• 4 Minutes


• Like A Prayer


• Frozen


• Ray Of Light


• Give It 2 Me

Now going through this, I am not entirely sure if these photos are in order and for which song she wore a particular outfit. What I do know is that I've skipped some of the outfits because they were, to be quite frank, hideous. That doesn't mean that the ones on display here aren't hideous, it just means there was something somewhat interesting in the photo or I needed filler.

Madge went all out by taking a car with her on stage and was waving a piece of clothing in the air. We had hoped she had kept it all on though. She is scary looking.


Most of her male dancers were quite good looking. There was one dancer though, with long hair. I don't fancy that.

On the Confessions on a Toilet tour Madge took out the old electric guitar and we were "treated" a few songs with Madge on the guitar. It was repeated on this tour. Apparently someone is under the delusion that they are a rock bitch.


Then there was a bit of costume borrowing going on - but I suppose it's a tribute that goes both ways. Oh and notice sexy dancer on the right. Nice! And nice boots!


On a totally unrelated note I kind of fancied the guy in front to the right. Mostly for his hair though. The person to his left not so much.

She jumped around on stage so much you'd think she was a 20 year old aerobics instructor. It was ridiculous. She could outdance all her dancers but it just looks wrong when a senior citizen does that.


Then she capitalised on the death of Michael Jackson. It was not why we were there but it was all over the news. Even in Denmark. Madge is a cunning, cynical business person who knows exactly what makes the news. The person dancing was good at it, it was just in poor taste.


She got down and boogied with her male dancers.



I must admit Madge lost me long before this, but I was just about to get into the groove again when a bunch of Hungarian folk singers came on stage and started playing. It felt like they would never leave. I just couldn't get into that. They massacred La Isla Bonita - a favorite of mine.


Then Madge molested the image of Justin Timberlake. He had to put up with a lot from Madges prosthetic hips whatever else was down those trousers.


See, the ugly male dancer was the one in the front to the right. I'm so totally not feeling Madges hair.



More guitar playing. The boots look like the ones from the 4 Minutes video. I'm wondering if the budget was spent mostly on makeup because surely the outfits couldn't have cost much.



If this was the actual ending to the concert I can't remember. What I do remember is that suddenly the lights went out. A big monitor said "Game Over" and that was it. No goodbyes or thanks for coming. Just the cold shoulder and giving us the finger once or twice. I swear I almost walked out.

Now these next images were ones I took with my iPhone. The ones above are mostly done by Madgetastic.









The God thing never gets old, or does it?

Anyway for the most part I had a good time. The Vogueing happened which was a huge plus. I had told Madgetastic that if there was no Vogueage going on I'd kick Madge in the groin and dump the remains in the River Thames. Apparently someone has connections. The dancing was too much, the vocal was alright, the visuals a little stale at times and the concept stupid. Madge does look scary in person. If you met it in a dark alley you should be very afraid.

I was more than happy that Madgetastic wanted to fly me to London to see the Old and Bitter concert and while it turned out to be more old than bitter, a good time was had by us. For me it was being in London more than the concert which is more show than concert. Not that there is anything wrong with that though. If I were a neutral party I'd give it 3 steel dild...sorry! microphones.

Well, I promised to come back to the tour programme. That was the lamest piece of tat in the shop. I should have bought the £8 button instead. It's just photos of Madge in very little clothes, airbrushed to oblivion and doing some sort of boxing stuff in a basement or somewhere dingy like that. Madges own person dungeon where Guy was chained up until he escaped long enough to get divorced?

Swinging London town

The time has come for me to tell you all about my fabulous trip to London. It was every bit as fabulous as I had imagined it would be. There were a few surprises along the way and sights that we didn't get to see. Actually we didn't get to do much sightseeing, and to my horror we forgot to go touch the lions feet on Trafalgar Square. You can see it here though.

We arrived late on Friday evening. Like always, there was something wrong with the Stansted Express (why they call it express, I'll never know) which meant we arrived by Tube at the Russell Sq. station (I love Russell Square) too late to shop at the Brunswick.



Remember, at that time I still had my FABULOUS and much missed iPhone so the photos are blurry and rather poor but you get the idea.
Just across the street from the Tube station is a Tesco. It wasn't always a Tesco, but once the wonderful Hart's Grocer or something like that. It was a wonderful place and I have bought many a sandwich in there over the years. It has been closed for many years though. Anyway, I was waiting outside the station while my friend (after this only referred to as Madgetastic for his love of Madge) was in Tesco to get something to drink and possibly chocolate eclairs (he loves chocolate eclairs and is completely obsessed with them). While I was waiting I saw a young man standing outside, much like I was standing outside the Tube station and I thought he may have been a hustler. Or maybe it was just laundry day as our dear friend Bingowings had experienced once. Anyway, this older man came up to me and started chatting but Madgetastic came to my rescue.

After checking in, we hung out in Madgetastics room for a while talking. I say that, but I'm a little fuzzy on the details although I know for a fact that we didn't have any alcohol and the hotel bill didn't include any roomservice ordered that night. Now that I think about it, I am a little shocked at how poor my memory is, but I think we just talked for a while and I went to my room and took a lovely long bath and read for a while. The book is called The World of Normal Boys by K.M. Soehnlein.

On Saturday we went shopping. This was fantastic. We went to Carnaby Street and Oxford Street, Regent Street and Covent Garden to name a few places. Madgetastic was on a mission to find a Storm shop. He had his mind set on getting a watch and maybe some rings and a bag. After visiting the second Storm shop he'd gotten what he wanted. A quick stop at Marks & Spencers where I got a bottle of nice Italian red wine (but no cork screw) and a visit to the Holy Land we discovered it was actually London Pride day.



We also managed to find a Doc Martens shop on Neal Street (I think it was) and they had some pretty kinky high heeled leather boots for an otherwise pretty so 90s phenomenon. I wonder if those were the ones Madge wore at her Old and Bitter concert. By the way, I put a POX on Crocs!

Anyway, Pride. To be quite honest, I've never actually done the whole Pride thing. It's just a bunch of screaming, cunty, skinny, skanky queens in leopard print trousers isn't it? That, and those leather daddies that MJ is so fond of. However Madgetastic who isn't actually gay (although he weekly claims either being bi, straight or gay - I think he kissed a guy once) was too obsessed with it and wanted to go to "that gay part of town". I kept telling him he might be thinking about Soho where we once shopped at Prowler. He wasn't sure. Anyway, we started on Leicester Square home of the famous handprints of Dame Maggie Smith and made our way towards Soho.

Of course the square and the streets were packed with people. It seemed harmless and fun, except for one poor bloke with a bloody nose who was surrounded by the police. Had the parade been in Denmark he'd probably been dead.



Faggots, faggots everywhere and not a drop to drink.



Oh look! Skanky queen. I'm being a bitch, I know. Sorry.







Oh look! Nando's! Oh how I waved. Like a spechul.

After cruising the parties, listening to some dodgy singer belt out a few tunes, checking out the shopping booths and the advertising whores in their tiny pants (not that I'm complaining because sweet jebus they were hot!) we walked homo. Ooops! I meant to say home. Stopping at a lovely square on the way.


It was near the British Museum.
That night we went out to eat. My treat. There was no plan about where to eat so we just walked around aimlessly in the area around Russell Square where our hotel was. At one point we considered eating at the hotel but that's a little too touristy so we found this lovely restaurant called Denise's. We had drinks and dinner before stumbling back home.



That was where I learned what a Manhattan is. A Manhattan is....Something you should NEVER order. I can't remember when I've had a more disgusting drink. Ever. Of course my Manhattan didn't have a cherry.

We went back to the hotel. The Hotel Russell by the way. My favorite London hotel. Where we called roomservice and asked them to bring up a bucket of ice. We had bought a bottle of sequin Absolute Vodka and some soda and at 3 am I stumbled back down the hall to my room.





That day we'd been shopping at Lush (I've never had better service evah! Even at the Apple Store and Tous which had lovely staff too) so I decided I needed to take a bath with my rubber ducky.



Bringing along my book, wine and a pink cupcake.


The next morning the phone rang at 9am and I looked around.





How on earth did it get to look like that?!? I did make it down to breakfast and we also made it to Debenhams and House of Fraser (where I bought some Kylie - Couture) before heading off to the Old and Bitter concert.

The Old and Bitter concert was at the London O2 (the old Millenium Dome) and to get there, as the Jubilee line was closed, we sailed from the Millenium Pier by the London Eye (old Millenium Wheel?).



From the base of the London Eye overlooking the River Thames, Big Ben and Palace of Westminster


London is gorgeous isn't it. Same place, almost just the other direction. We sailed under Tower Bridge, past Tower of London and went to the concert. More on the concert in an upcoming post. Then we sailed back.

Since it was so late on a Sunday night the Tube had closed and I put my foot down and said. We're walking! I needed the fresh air, the stillness of London and let's face it. I needed the exercise.



The London Eye from the other side of the bank, at 1am. London is so beautiful isn't it just.

A few drinks in Madgetastics room, and it was time for another Lush bath.



A bath, a book and a bottle of wine. That's heaven! Scary morning after, and off we were. It was time to leave London again. So sad, I almost cried. I wished the Ryan Air flight would be cancelled. We took the Tube to Liverpool Street Station and caught the Stansted Express to the airport.



Random escalator at a random Tube station.

At the airport we went to Starbucks to get something to eat. I love Starbucks. The pink thing is some kind of raspberry frappuccino thing and the nutty thing is a rocky roads I think. My memory is a little fuzzy.



After that, we just sat and waited for our flight number to be called.



Such a sad day it was.

This was my trip to Swinging London Town.

I'm missing you

Yet another post that's not about Londinium or Madge. I hope you'll stay with me for this one, because it's really quite funny and tragic. You see, I have an iPhone.

The fabulous 3G version no less. Yes, yes, I know that there is a 3G S varitety about to be launched and mine will be horribly outdated, but still. My iPhone is fabulous. It's the best phone I've ever had.

So imagine my sadness when I find out there is something wrong with it. It had a birth defect no less. The problem is, I've been too dense to think of it until my brother one day puts his iPhone (Oh my god, he's such a copycat! I had one first, get an original idea for a change you moron! Ok, that was a bit harsh, but still...) up to his ear and answers it. Without.The.Headset.Plugged.In. You see my dear readers, I had tried this when I first got mine but it didn't work, so naturally I imagined you had to use the headset. Especially because you didn't see many people with iPhones in Denmark.

I was like OHMYGODYOUCAN'TDOTHATYOUMORON!

This got many a laughs, and today I handed my trusty iPhone in for repairs. They say I may not get my phone back, but may very well get a brand spankin' new one. I have mixed emotions about that, because I've developed such a lovely relationship with it over the almost 1 year I've had it, but on the other hand it'll be like getting a brand spankin' new phone. Oh, and another 2 years warranty. Nice, yeah?

It did mean degrading myself in the shop, telling the same story not once, but twice before they took my trusty iPhone and sent it in. There I was, without a phone. Standing in a mobile phone shop completely without hope or anything looking as they put my iPhone into a secure plastic bubble wrap bag and tagged it. I felt sad. Oh so, very, very sad. When I was almost on the verge of tears I asked if they had a loaner while it was in for repairs and they stuck me with a Nokia XpressMusic phone.

I hate Nokia phones (I can't for the life of me learn how to navigate such a horrid phone) because I've always had either Ericsson, Sony Ericsson or the iPhone. I've always been faithful to the Ericsson brand because they had the right look for me and were easy to navigate. Nokia has always been a bandwagon phone, something everyone had. Why would I have the same phone as everyone else? But now, I'm stuck with this ugly, impossible piece of well probably fine electronics. Although they say about 30 percent of all Nokia phones are DOAs.

To be honest, I like that it's little yet not tiny, and that it's light without being weightless. The iPhone is a tad on the heavy and large side, but when you consider all the extra stuff they've packed into the iPhone it wins hands down. My iPhone was easy to navigate, it didn't take multiple tabs on the same button to write out text messages and it didn't have an obnoxious tone playing everytime you touch the keyboard or receive a text.

Also the iPhone has Facebook, a webbrowser, iPod, and easy access email and calendar. Oh iPhone how I miss thee.

Blue crush

You'd think that my first post since my return from the great Londinium would be about that trip, but no. Not this one. For some reason I've got other things on my mind and it didn't start until this afternoon at work. Everything about my centers around work, did you notice that? I must be such a dull person, wow, why would anyone even consider being around me. Of course most of my friends are colleagues. Most of those friends aren't actual friends either but rather people who I have hung out with once or twice and don't mind being around. Yet there are two who are special.

There are more people at work who are special but the two I'm talking about are my crushes. Yes there are two, and no they are very straight. The reason why I have thought about this all day is that I was invited to a night of gaming on my friend (colleague and friend since preschool) Dullface. I'm going to the mighty US of A with him in August. He had arranged a night of gaming where he had invited a lot of the guys at work. All the young unattached ones I suppose. In attendance would be Crush M and Crush J.

The first crush I ever had at work was Crush M. We worked in the same team for quite a while and we used to have massive discussions about movies, music and favorite celebrities. Of course he likes Christina Aguliera and Beyoncé so it wasn't to be. Yet for some reason I've always wanted to be his friend, but never actually done anything to become that. One time after I'd just moved to Copenhagen I was invited over to Dullface's appartment for a night of gaming where Crush M was there, we had a massive discussion and it got so heated that I was furious and so was he. After that night I was more than a little pleased that I had moved so I wouldn't have to see him ever again. Yet still, for some bizarre reason, had he asked me to come over or something I would have said yes. He used to be my type of guy for sure (except for the Christina Aguliera and Beyoncé thing) but then he started working out a lot and now he's almost too fit.

The other crush, Crush J was hired just before I changed to another team so we didn't get to work together for long. That was a shame because I really liked him. He's friendly, likes pop music and he seems like he could be a very good friend. Now I'm not familiar with the whole straight guy bonding thing, but I suppose the biggest compliment I could give a straight guy is that I'd hold his head over the toilet/bush/bucket if he ever got sick at a party? I'd do that for this guy. He was at the party that famous Friday night where I apparently got massively drunk. Thank god none of the photos of me have ever been posted on Facebook.

Well, they'll both be there this evening, battling it out in Fifa Football 09 and whatever else they want on the Playstation 3. For some reason I just really didn't want to be there. I ended up at home with a tub of Ben & Jerry's Toffee Crunch and 3 episodes of Doctor Who (the new series) season 4. Which was very good in it's own right. It just didn't feel right to go there, I don't know why.

Anyway now that I've cleared my head of this nonsense I can maybe move on. I do apologise to you my dear readers, for unloading this pile of sh... that went absolutely nowhere. Maybe you'll enjoy this more?