Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Not-so-live-blogging-Knight-&-Day

SayHey at the movies on the sofa watching Knight & Day starring Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz (my two least favourite actors) so you don't have to. And believe me, you don't have to. Like in my previous post about the Oscars, I'm using the Twitter format so you'll get the random comments, insights and what else comes through my mind during these next 110 minutes. I've decided to rent it on my fabulous YouSee box and am paying 5 quid on this, you'd better be appreciative bitches! Here goes.

Wow, this HD thing is awesome on my TV. Better get a BluRay player soon. The Twentieth Century Fox logo was gorgeous. So far, massive win.

Welcome to an airport. It's starting the same way as The Terminal. An actor I don't like in an airport. This is not boding well for the rest of the movie.

Tom Cuise's glasses were crooked and he was eating an ice cream. Ugly sunglasses.

Oh, wow. Celia Weston is in the movie. We LOVE her! She's not on screen, but rather her name popped up as part of the credits.

Cameron Diaz is looking a little farm girl'ish and ooopsie! She bumped into Tom Cruise.

Tom Cruise's nose is MASSIVE!

Well, they are at least speaking English in this one, rather than some weirdo pretend language like in the Terminal.

OH, they bumped into each other again. Can't be an accident, can it?

They are keeping an eye on Tom Cruise. And by they, I mean the suits.

Cameron Diaz made it on to the flight with Tom Cruise despite her initial problems of getting on the flight. Something is fishy.

This is moving along quite slowly,

Cameron Diaz is telling us about her father dying and how she restores cars and wants to restore one of his old ones. For her sister who's getting married.

Tom Cruise ishas a weird left nostril.

Turbulence made Cameron spill her drink, and she's going to the loo. Leaving Tom Cruise alone with the 5 other people on the flight.

The other people are attacking him while she's jammering on at her reflection in the loo mirror.

The people die. Including the pilots.

It most certainly isn't Cameron Diaz first rodeo. She's looking like it's her 100th.

He tells her the pilots are dead and she laughs.

You'd think gunfire in an airplane would be more than a bit dangerous. I guess this is like Mission Impossible II where nothing logic has any relevance.

Tom Cruise of course lands this massive airplane in a corn field. Bad CGI galore.

Cameron Diaz moans.

You can say what you want about Tom Cruise and his acting. He is fit, no doubt about that. He took his shirt off.

She's drugged.

The jokes are lame.

Airplane explodes - thankfully we don't see much of that. Could have been another CGI travesty.

She wakes up at home. He's made her breakfast and little notes.

The safe, friend who wants her shows up. Rodney, a firefighter with an unfortunate moustache.

Cameron Diaz is taken into custody or whatevs by the so-called FBI. She's not safe.

She realises she's not safe, but the Chevrolets are unavoidable. First proper product placement.

How does it work with people who die driving. Do their feet really press down hard on the speeder pedal? Or is that to make his hideously lame car chase thing exciting more lame?

The blue screen effects are hideous. You just KNOW that Tom Cruise wasn't on top of a car for any moment during the movie.

I know you are just dying to know what the clothes are like. Well, dull would be one way of looking at it.

The movie reminds me of a really lame version of the Mel Gibson and Goldie Hawn movie Bird On a Wire. I loved that! Although all that Goldie did was run around whining and screaming.

Cameron Diaz fire fighter friend is a little bit adorable. I think it's the nose.

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Tom is wearing the hideous sun glasses again.

He shot the dorky fire fighter but it's all OK apparently. Another car chase.

The banter is poor at best. They may have chemistry, but the dialogue is awful. This is only one third through the movie.

Oh, look! SHELL service station. How much did they pay for that?

They are explaining the plot. Apparently it's all about a little battery that has lots of juice. TC (as I decide to call him from now on, or until I find a more fitting nickname) was protecting the battery and the guy who made it. Someone 'inside the agency' wants to steal the battery and sell it.

Exciting stuff huh? No, I know! It's not really. Maybe I should have picked Did You Hear About The Morgans? Can't be worse than this.

They are visiting a so-called 'safe house' now. You just know there'll be soldiers attacking from all sides and TC will kill'em all any minute now.

The soldiers are taking their sweet time attacking.

BINGO!

It's all very exciting noisy. Correction Cameron Diaz is very noisy.

Am thinking about what to have for dinner. Maybe pasta and gorgonzola sauce.

Oh, Cameron Diaz was drugged again.

They are captured. TC his dangling upside down with his shirt off. All the 40-50 something women are drooling.

Hell, it was a bit drool worthy.

She was drugged again.

Waking up in a bikini on a beach far away from people shooting. That's any girls dream right?

TC trying to pull a Daniel Craig in Casino Royale. It's not working for you honey.

Board shorts and a dead fish. No thank you.

He is fit though.

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While TC teaches Cameron Diaz to protect herself and they frollick on the beach, I went to get a pudding cup. It's lovely, contrary to the movie.

Now this is sort of a what's that movie called moment. Um, Anne Heche and Harrison Ford like.

She's drugged again. Or at least wakes up somewhere else.

On a train in Austria and she's hungry.

I can't blame her for thinking of food. So do I.

Could really do with some pasta right now. Yum!

There's the classic scene of being followed through a train.

Fight scene! For someone who doesn't know how to fight, she really does know her way around a train kitchen.

They all unite. The inventor of the battery, Cameron Diaz and TC.

The fight continues. Now the super human aspect from Universal Soldiers where a knife in the heart doesn't mean you die.

Ridiculous!

Now they are in a luxury hotel in Austria. They are smitten.

Cameron Diaz playing spy now. She's jealous of mysterious and attractive woman who is meeting TC.

I understand why. We all saw the tired looking Cameron Diaz with her small and saggy boobs.

Now she's been summoned by the FBI. The evil guy is with this kool black woman who is his boss. I think.

They are trying to make her give him and the battery up.

Suddenly Cameron Diaz has lovely clothes. The black coat is gorgeous. It's so wasted on her.

I don't know what to think. TC is running on roofs. Now I watched The Tourist, and I don't know if I'd rather watch him or Johnny Depp Captain Jack Sparrow do it.

Venice is prettier than this Austrian city though.

TC was shot and fell in the water. Bless.

Speaking of water, I'm thristy.

Too bad, it doesn't end here. It actually continues.

Fitz, is and this is no surprise at all, a bad guy and he is taking the battery maker somewhere unsafe we are betting.

CELIA WESTON! The ONE redeeming quality of this entire movie.

Miss Weston is TC's mother in this and doesn't know her son is still alive. Bless. She looks like she really does miss him.

I can't for the life of me understand why.

Another sort of car chase. It's getting boring, it's oh so boring and I don't recognise the zombie I'm turning into.

Drugged. Again.

They are in Sevilla, driving Mercedes now.

Dinner would be lovely right now. Still, 20 minutes left.

The plot thickens and there's an exchange of battery creater and some evil Spanish guy. Antonio something. He looks charming.

TC is obviously alive.

It's an HD quality which I've got to say is worth it. It looks lovely.

There's shooting going on and it's about as exciting as the Acapulco Heat action scenes from the 1990s



More car chase with the added feature of them riding a motorcycle and bulls are running after them.

More poorly done CGI for the bull fighting arena and blue screen stuff.

The Mercedes Benz logo is very prominent though.

Suddenly Cameron Diaz is like master shooter and it's very Mission Impossible II again.

Bad advertising for Mercedes Benz because battery maker just did something the car from the trunk. Not sure they are keen on that at Mercedes HQ.

Evil Fitz wins over TC in the sun glasses category.

KABOOOM! Dodgy battery. Fitz and his plane just blew up.

Unflattering angles galore! Cameron Diaz doesn't mind looking ugly ugly apparently

The drag queen Tyra Banks always talks about looking ugly pretty. This was definitely ugly ugly.

Black woman wears fabulous coat. The FBI woman.

Cameron Diaz just drugged TC. For a change.

The role reversing is not working. They are on their way to Cape somewhere in South America.

She just said "Get some tunes on the radio mister dj". I guess "hey mister dj, put a record on" was too expensive.

End Credits.

This is really dull. I can't believe I sat through it, or paid 5 quid for it. Well, I look at it this way, at least now you don't have to.

Now go forth, and watch a good movie like Black Swan!

3 comments:

  1. "Get some tunes on the radio mister dj".

    What she MEANT to say was “Get some tunes on Radio Infomaniac Mistress MJ.”

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well, she could have but nobody watched the movie. Is that why people took so long to find your radio station?

    ReplyDelete
  3. I didn't think it was quite as bad as that. But then I was well into my cups when I watched it...so perhaps....

    ReplyDelete