Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Prophecy II

And I saw The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts rising out of the hedge
And a blasphemous name upon its back
And The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts that I saw were green
Their waistband red
And their legs had bells upon their ends
And to it the wearer gave his power
And the whole earth followed The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts with wonder

And they worshipped The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts saying
"Who is like the wearer of The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts and who can fight against the wearer of The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts ?"
And they opened their mouthes to utter blasphemous words against their wearer.

They were allowed to make war on the wearer and to conquer
And authority was given them over every tribe
And a people and tongue and nation
And all who dwell on earth could worship The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts in vain
If anyone has a blog let them read the captions
If anyone who makes the winning caption
Then he or she must wear them

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Come back again tomorrow of course on Thursday

Monday, March 30, 2009

Prophecy I

Blessed is he who reads aloud the words of the prophecy
And blessed are those who hear
And who keep what is written therein
For the time is near
They is coming with the clouds
And every eye will see them
Everyone who pierced them
And all the tribes of the earth will wail on account of them

Those of you who have not learned what some call the deep things of Satan
I know your works, I know your toil, and your patient endurance
And how you cannot hear evil men
But have tested those who call themselves former winners of The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts
but are not.
And found them to be false
I know that you are enduring patiently
And bearing out
For their namesake
And you have not grown weary
but I have this against you
that you have abandoned the love you had for The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts

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Come back again tomorrow and Wednesday and of course on Thursday

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Disconnection

Apologies for not being able to post the results of

The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Competition

Before we get to that though, I'd like to tell you all a story from the real world. The world of my Internet supplier. You see, I called them a month ago to tell them that I was moving. The guy typed my new address into his system, made a note of what I wanted done. I wanted the large cable tv pack and my 12mbit connection moved to my new address. He assured me everything was fine and that it would work on Monday, March 16 at the latest. I was happy and we said our goodbyes. This is when I mention that I've moved twice before and everything worked like a charm both times.

The move itself is a post for another time because that was quite traumatic and the issue isn't settled yet. Anyway, I found an envelope from Yousee - my Internet supplier in my mailbox saying that they'd registered my order. This is when everything went downhill. They'd registrered it to the wrong appartment and floor. So I called them (waiting in a telephone queue for about 20 minutes) and told them my issue. The Stupid Customer Service Monkey (hereafter known as SCSM) apologised and changed it while I was on the phone. I was pleased and we hung up.

Well, on the 18th it still wasn't working so I called the SCSM again, only to talk to someone else who could say that the order was placed as a standard order meaning I wouldn't have Internet or cable tv until the 30th. I told them it wasn't acceptable, and SCSM didn't know what to do. A few choice words later he cancelled my order and placed it, while I was on the line, as a priority order. I asked how long it would take until it would work before the weekend. The cable tv started working Saturday, yet still no Internet.

Monday the 23rd I called first thing, speaking again to SCSM who couldn't say what was wrong. He said it was supposed to work and that I had to speak to someone in the technical support department so he transferred me. I had the pleasure of a girl who politely told me to turn on my cable modem because it was offline. I told her, politely, that my cable modem was turned on already and that it had been for the past week. She said that she'd send out a technician to have a look and he would call me within a few days time.

The technician called Tuesday and we agreed that he would come by that same day at noon. He promised to call ten minutes before he was at the address so I'd have someone let him in. At noon he called and said he was ten minutes from my address - in Copenhagen! I politely told him I had moved, he laughed and said he doubted he was allowed to drive all the way across the country to visit me. He said he'd call Yousee to tell them and I said I would too.

Furious Pete (that's me) called Yousee and said a few choice words, they were useless of course saying they didn't know how he'd gotten my old address because my new address was the only one they had on file. They would however send out a new technician to my new address and he would call me. They couldn't say when. In the end he came by on Friday and fixed everything. It took less than five minutes.

Now, I'm expecting two bills for the technicians. If they bill me I'll spontaniously combust, but look out for the mushroom cloud.

By the way, about The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Competition the date has been cast in stone.

The winner will be announced on Thursday April 2nd.

But come back for more every day until then - I'll make it worth your while.


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Friday, March 20, 2009

Dare to wear

The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts

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EDIT: delay due to lack of Internet. The winner will be announced on SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE. Apologies.
So come back bitches!

Thursday, March 05, 2009

The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Competition

Behold the moment you've all been waiting for

The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Competition!

A cleaver girl once said, 'it's never too late' and since nothing lasts forever I suppose I must pass on the pleasure of The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts. For the rules look in the post below and for the history of these Freakin' Green Elf Shorts go here

Introducing....


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Now please leave your captions here. For the rules, see the next post down

The competition closes at midnight CET on Friday, March 13th

On your knees and read the rules! NOW!

At last! Here’s your chance to enter The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition!

Though it pains me to remove them from my head, the time has come for the thoroughly stained Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts to move on to their next foster home.

“What do I have to do to win The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts?” you ask.

Take a long, hard look at the photo above of CyberPete (that's me) wearing The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts.Create a caption.Post your caption in the comments section.I’ll choose my favourite caption and post the winner’s name.

“May I enter more than once?”

Enter as many captions as you wish, as often as you like.

“What happens if I win?”

If you’re chosen as the lucky winner, I’ll send The Shorts to you. If you’re in another country, I’ll also send you a souvenir of my country, Denmark, along with The Shorts. Bonus!Then it’s your turn to take a photograph of yourself wearing The Shorts and post it on your blog.

“I don’t have a blog or a website. Can I still enter?”

No. You’re shite out of luck. Set yourself up with a blog because if you win, you must post a pic of yourself wearing The Shorts. We all want to see you make a fool of yourself like the previous winners have all done.

“If I send you my credit card number and access to my bank account, will you declare me the winner?”

Bribery will not (maybe, I do need new designer shoes! I have Paypal) be tolerated. So far I have received bribes involving wads of cash, and offers of sexual favours. Grovelling and begging is looked upon favourably but will not win you The Shorts.

“How long do I have to enter?”

The competition closes at midnight CET on Friday, March 13th.The winner will be announced sometime after that at whatever time I get around to it.

“What if I don’t want to win The Shorts but I want to tell you how stupid you look in The Shorts?”

If you don’t want to win The Shorts you can still leave a comment. Just be sure to let me know it’s a comment and not a caption.

“Are those stains removable?”

No amount of scrubbing will remove the stains.And why would you want to?

“Will you wash The Shorts before you send them to me?"

Again, why would you want me to?“I’m new here. What’s this all about?”If you’re wondering what this competition is all about, read The Definitive History of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts.

"Where have The Shorts been before me?"

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Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Caprice

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Tomorrow

THE FREAKIN' GREEN ELF SHORTS COMPETITION!

Monday, March 02, 2009

Crave

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Come back on March 5th

THE FREAKIN' GREEN ELF SHORTS COMPETITION!

You know you want to.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Covet

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Oh yes, oh yes. Come back on March 5th

THE FREAKIN' GREEN ELF SHORTS COMPETITION!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

It won't be long now......

breath!


Check back on March 5th. But I sure hope you'll keep coming back before that.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Flashing for fashion

It's that time of year again - the biggest runway of the season. The Academy Awards was last night. Did you watch it? I planned ahead, threw tantrums and managed to get today off so I could sit up all night to watch it, eat cake, drink Pierre Ponnelle, crisps, fine foods and be entertained by the glitz and glamour that is the Oscars. Every year there are horrid dresses on the red carpet - do we all remember this?


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Mrs. Potatosack and Fergie

But that was last year. This year the stars were playing it really safe. With the economic climate they simply couldn't afford to end up on the worst dressed list. Still, there were a few stars who ended up looking tragic. As always ABC rolled out the big guns (hah!) with Michelle Tuzee and Randolph Duke commenting on the gowns. I have no idea what right Michelle Tuzee has to comment on how the stars dress when she always ends up in some tragic Randolph Duke creation. Randolph Duke himself gets scarier and scarier every year. It seems like he ends up looking younger every year and his teeth whiter. Bizarre and fascinating in the can't stop watching a car crash kind of way. It's hilarious. He always says something slightly complimentary with no substance at all. He did however have comments on Hannah Montana and Gabriella Montez (Miley Cyrus and Vanessa Hudgens) who he thought looked 'too old' in the dresses. He also kept saying how some of the stars posed and others didn't. After the millionth mention I think we got it. Thank you.

This is not just about Randolph Duke though. Thankfully I didn't see any of his creations on the red carpet. We start with two of my favorites.

The gorgeous



The first one is Academy Award Nominee (she was robbed!) Anne Hathaway looking gorgeous as ever in a paillette laden Armani Prive gown.
The second is Amy Adams in a fabulous red Carolina Herrera gown. She's wearing a big sparkly and colourful necklace that I'm not so keen on but she's so lovely.

The Royal



Melissa Leo - another Academy Award nominee looking like a youngish Camilla Parker-Bowles in this hideous brown Badgley Mischka dress. We know that brown is in fashion now but you have to be really careful with it or you'll look like a big poo. I think we saw a shorter version of this dress in burgundy last year or the year before. No thank you, bad horsey!

Tits on parade



John Legend wore Prada and his girlfriend Christine Teigen in a Julia Clancey parading her tits around. A little inappropriate for the Oscars if you ask me. If it wasn't for the boobage the dress wouldn't have been very memorable. I'm not feeling the colour but at least it's not red, white or black.

Sarah Jessica Parker and a very old looking Matthew Broderick. SJP is wearing a Dior gown with a belt around her waist. Not that you notice at first glance because they clearly underestimated the size of her ugly tits. She's quite obviously spilling out and she should really start reinventing herself because the fairytale princess look is getting old. Or she's getting too old for it. Whatever.

Young is the new old



Miley Cyrus looking like a Christmas decoration or cake in this Zuhair Murad dress. Notice how she tried to be trendy with the belt with the seashells. It's not working. The dress is hideous in my humble opinion. She does look too 'old' considering her age. Then again we can't compare her to Amy Adams and Anne Hathaway - they are in a league of their own.

Zach Efron has hair issues, but the Dolce Gabbana suit is lovely. Vanessa looks like she's trying too hard in this black Marchesa gown. It might have worked on someone else but it's a big mess on her.

The veterans



Sophia Loren can do anything - I don't care. She can wear the most insane yellow/orange Armani gown and get as many facelifts as she wants. She's still fabulous. Bless her!

Meryl Streep looks fantastic in this gray off the shoulder custom made Alberta Ferretti gown. She knows what she's doing. Notice how her upper arms are covered. You won't be able to see her bingowings flapping in the breeze or that bit of fat around the armpit - and she surely has both. Meryl Streep is classy.

Acceptable in the 80s



Evan Rachel Wood wears a nice Elie Saab gown - the colour is a little boring though. Her makeup and hair is looking a little to 1980s Madonna to me.

Mickey Rourke should have been sent home to change. Some are saying how he has great personal style but somehow I don't think there is much style about being a bowlegged 1980s hasbeen who got another 15 minutes of fame. It's an insult to the awards.

Red, White and Blue



Virginia Madsen in a red one shoulder gown by Kevan Hall. Gorgeous.

Nancy O'Dell in a one shoulder gown by Pamela Rolland. I think we've seen this before, possibly in a different colour. Red?

Frieda Pinto and Dev Patel. Frieda Pinto is wearing a blue John Galliano gown. I'm not sure I like the colour. It's a little 80s but she pulls it off beautifully.

Melissa George in a white Dolce Gabbana gown. I love Dolce Gabbana but I'm not sure I like this one. Maybe it's because she doesn't look comfortable in it. Or maybe it's boob area that isn't working.

Black is the new Black



Josh Brolin and Diane Lane looking very good together. Diane Lane looks stunning in this black gown.

Jennifer Grey wearing a black Dolce Gabbana gown. It's very nice but she's not taking any chances unlike when she had her nose done.

Anthony Hopkins and Stella Arroyave. He's still got it, hasn't he? I'm not liking her dress.
Michael Sheen with his wife, I'm assuming. I like what I see.

The contenders



Academy Award nominee Viola Davis looking stunning in a Reem Akra gown.

Academy Award nominee Taraji P. Henson looking stunning in a white tiered Roberto Cavalli gown with Fred Leighton jewels. I don't like the necklace but everything else is perfect.

The wannabees





Beyonce looking tragic in this hideous gown from her own House of Dereon Couture. I think it's time she disappeared back under the rock she came from. Hideous!

Lisa Rinna and Joey Fatone were also there. I wonder why. Lisa Rinna wore a Gustavo Cadile gown and her hair looks insane.

Speaking of why are they there. Mario Lopez of Saved by the Bell fame was there. Next year they'll invite Screech.

Seal and Heidi Klum were there too. Heidi Klum wore a Roland Mouret gown. It's adventurous but I'm not liking it. I would say it's always a bit of a hit or miss with her, but honestly I think she's more miss than hit.

Colours



Natalie Portman in a gown by Rodarte. She's so skinny, but she still looks great.

Alicia Keys in an Armani Prive gown. I hate to admit that she looks great, but she does. The slit might be a little much though.

S for Style or Swinton




Tilda Swinton might not be the prettiest woman in the world. She may not always dress well but this year she's looking very couture in this beige draped bluse and black satin skirt both by Lavin.

The Winners



I don't like Penelope Cruz, it doesn't help that she said she had worn this vintage Pierre Balmain gown before. It' just not to my taste, but very fitting that she won wearing a vintage gown. This certainly won't hurt her career. Try to find something else for next year.

Nicole Kidman looked stunning in a L'Wren Scott feather and beaded gown. She always manages to look fabulous.

Halle Berry in a black and gold beaded Marchesa gown. At first I thought it looked good on her. However on further inspection I'm not liking it. She could and should have done a lot better.

Marion Cotillard in this hideous tulle extravanganza from Dior.

Kate Winslet is a gorgeous woman. Her face, her hair it's divine. Yet she wore a dreadful Atelier Yves Saint Laurent by Stefano Pilati.

Reese Witherspoon is wearing a vintage Christian Dior gown. I don't like it. It doesn't look good on her.

The Queen



She looks wonderful, in this one shoulder gown by Georges Chakra. I adore Queen Latifah.

The napkins



Marissa Tomei in an interesting Versace creation. If it wasn't for the poorly executed bust it would have been a fabulous gown. It does look a lot like it was pieced together by satin napkins. Apparently the gown didn't arrive until the morning of the Academy Awards. Bless her for waiting.

Jessica Biel in Prada. It looks like a hideous mess.

The power couple



Brad Pitt in a Tom Ford tux and Angelina Jolie looking like Morticia Addams in an Elie Saab gown.

Why is Angelina Jolie laughing?

Brad: I think I have a shot at the Oscar tonight, I can feel it!
Angelina: Hahaha yeah right!
Brad: Honest
Angelina: Hahahahahahaha that's the best joke I've heard all year. Keep dreaming pretty boy

The political couple



I hope that's father and son though. Bless him for winning though.

That's it! It's all over until next year. I leave you with a picture of the wonderful and very dashing host Hugh Jackman. I hope he does it again next year.