Standards are good, double standards must be twice as good

Dear all,

I realise that we all have to be on this planet we call Earth and that means co-habitating with you. This means we all have to do ours to make sure we can all be here and feel, if not happy then at least, content about it. Now I'm not talking sitting in a circle in the park holding hands or anything as tree-hugging as that. What I'm talking about is, among others, common decency or not violating other people.

When you take public transport, I realise we are exposed to a lot of disgusting things. The guy who sticks his hand inside his shorts to itch his arse and the proceeds to push the stop button on the bus. With that very hand. Yuck! There is the man who doesn't cover his mouth when he coughs. Which means the next day all the people that were on that bus are at the hospital having contracted the ebola virus. That's only the small things compared to the people who wear too much perfume, or worse too much of the WRONG perfume. When did it become legal to violate other people with your vile 'Lou Lou' by Cacharel? I say.

It's just not acceptable. Why are you doing this to me? Even too much of a good perfume is wrong. If you are unsure if you applied too much, call your neighbour and if she can smell it from where she's standing. It's too much. Now stop it. I'm saying this because I want to help you, not because I want to single you out. Red haired woman in the funky green coat with the sunflowers on it. Clearly you don't have taste, but just ask mmmmm'kay?

Another thing I don't understand is you people with your iPods turned up at max volume. Why do you do that? If I wanted to listen to Apologize by One Republic or some whiney emo band I would have added it to my own iPod. Now I have an iPod and I have mine set at a decent, pretty low volume so I can listen into peoples conversations if I want to. This means mine does not emit too much noise for my surroundings. Which means they can't hear when Pieces of Me by Britney comes on, thank god.

Still this morning on the train the woman in front of me asked me to turn it down as "it was pretty stressing to listen to that in the morning". I smiled, clenched my teeth and said "of course" and did so. I'm not going to annoy my surroundings more than absolutely necessary. Just then the train left the station, and it made these rapid banging noises. The woman in front of me clenched her teeth (much like I had when she'd approached me) and sat like that until she got off at her station. I can't say I didn't feel a bit smug when the train started making those noises. In fact I'd go as far as to say I felt pretty damn good just then.

Why can't you just bring a good book on the train and if you hate noise maybe go to the silent compartment?

I also realise that we all have to shop. We pick where we shop, and when ourselves. Still I don't want your annoying little brats running around like the devils they are crying and yelling when I'm deciding if I want fish or beef for dinner. Or for that matter when I'm shopping at Illum. Contain your brats, use a leash if you have to. I don't care, I just want to shop in peace.

There was a story, I hope it's not an urban legend, where this elderly woman was standing in line at the checkout counter at the supermarket. Behind her was a single mother with a little boy. The boy was pushing the shopping cart into the heels of the elderly woman repeatably. She'd asked him to desist a number of times, and she'd approached the mother who did nothing. So a man behind the mother and child takes a glass of syrup from his cart and pours it over the boys head and says that the mother will pay for the syrup.

Now, I find that brilliant. I would totally do that too. Or at least fantasise about one day being able to do that. So if you are acting up, or your brats are, in the line and I'm there. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Politeness is another major issue you need to deal with. It doesn't matter if you are the person at the counter at the supermarket or other shop, or if you are the customer. It costs nothing and I mean NOTHING to crack a smile and say "have a nice day" or "have a good weekend" or something like that. It's totally free and it's the NICE thing to do. I recommend this, it would make even your day better.

Finally there is you. Yes you, the one yapping on your mobile. I don't care what you are having for dinner, or if you are running late for an interview or you got too much homework. Keep your voice down and remember it's not all about you. IT'S ALL ABOUT ME! Not you, ME. In case you are in some really juicy breakup stuff feel free to share with the group, and by group I mean EVERYONE on the train. They don't look like they are paying attention, but trust me honey. They are listening, and they too want to know why you broke up with David and what you did to him.

That is, unless it happens at the movies. We've spent £8 to watch the movie, so no matter how rubbish it is, we don't want to hear about your relationship issues, or if you just got the most fabulous red lippy. Take it somewhere else or I'll hurl my soda at your head with a popcorn chaser.

So please, take these things under consideration, and now that I'm at it, I may mention that it's rude to play loud music after midnight on a Thursday. So stop it 5B, or I'm calling immigration.

Sincerely,

Pete